Biden Sees Shadow: Six More Weeks of Economic Recovery
WASHINGTON - Vice President Joe Biden saw his shadow on Monday, signaling six more weeks of explicative-laced rhetoric about his economic recovery program. “I’m happy to let you all know that the Vice President woke up this morning and saw a shadow of himself on the ground,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “It scared the living shit out of him.”
“[Vice President Biden] sprung from his 1500-thread sheets, brushed his teeth and walked out onto his balcony with a cup of tea,” Carney continued. “When he turned around, his shadow jumped up from the shudders. He knew at that moment that the economic recovery was entering into full swing. He even let out a ‘Tiger Woods-style’ fist pump.” This is the first time that Biden has seen his shadow since 2008, three days before Lehman Brothers collapsed. As was reported at the time, his shadow vanished on the campaign trail, not too long after the Vice President asked a man in a wheelchair to stand up to be honored.
Although he dropped and broke his mug, spilling imported Taiping Hou Ku tea on the robe he had stolen from the Ritz-Carlton Half Moon Bay last summer, the rediscovery of his shadow could be a turning point in his tenure as Vice President. Biden has now changed his schedule for the next month and a half. Looking for something for Biden to do as the reelection campaign begins, advisors had planned to sit the Vice President in a room with a gold-plated Rubik’s Cube and a mountain of designer beanbag chairs. It was part of a larger strategy to encourage Biden to spend more time napping and less time campaigning. But now, with “Sherriff Joe’s” campy optimism and shadow back in the fold, he is off to try to convince America that the Administration’s economic plan is working for ordinary “Joes” like himself.
“I encourage everyone who is about to eat a hot dog with a knife and fork this evening at dinner to look forward to better days ahead. Joe’s shadow is back… and so is America!” said Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi.
The Administration has now scheduled a month-long jaunt where the Vice President will travel to U.S. manufacturing facilities, play with robots, and talk about how “resilient” the United States is. “Wherever there’s a plant laying off workers, I’ll be there telling everyone that the economy is getting better,” Biden told reporters from his grandson’s tree fort.
Calls to Biden’s office went unanswered on Tuesday due to the Vice President’s previously scheduled naptime.
By Theodore Lost