D.C. Upset by Failure to Outdo Chicago Corruption

"Barack, you're an embarrassment to your city. The people expect more from you. You should have taken the cut from those Mexican drug cartels when you had the chance."

CHICAGO— What does Chicago have that Washington doesn’t?

That’s the question that many in the nation’s capital are asking themselves after disgraced former Governor Rod Blagojevich (D-IL) was convicted on seventeen out of twenty corruption charges, including for trying to sell President Barack Obama’s vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder.

The spate of soul-searching comes after a slew of lame sex scandals implicating members of both parties. The most recent scandal, involving the firebrand former Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY), was met with great excitement by many DC residents, but with yawns by longtime observers of politics in the second city.

As of late, Chicago’s outlandish and often flamboyant political corruption seems to be putting the nation’s capital to shame. The conviction of the Illinois governor is a reminder to some of the disappointment they felt in President Obama when he failed to bring spectacular, Chicago-style corruption to the White House.

“A Congressman tweeting photos of his ‘johnson’ is a scandal?” asked Sam Miller, an experienced Chicago journalist. “Yeah, in Chicago, that guy would have had to resign, but not because it was so shocking. Weiner would have had to resign because sending a photo of his pup tent to a coed when his name is already synonymous with a dirty word, is a totally lame way to get hounded out of office.”

Washington, D.C. natives are dismayed by city’s inability to keep up with Chicago’s scandals. An angry and almost-hurt D.C. lobbyist screamed, “What does it say about Washington when a few months after one Congressman resigns for sending shirtless photos on craigslist, another one follows by sending pant-less photos on Twitter? I mean, seriously, what’s the next one going to do? Post photos of his feet on his intern’s Facebook page?” Clearly, the people of Washington are taking this shortcoming personally.

“When I voted for Obama, it wasn’t because of his policies or hope or change,” said former Obama supporter Tom Kilgore. “It was because of the entertainment value. I wanted to see the president get caught selling nuclear weapons to the Russians to raise money for the sex ring he was running out of the Situation Room. Instead I get White House Party Crashers? Lame.”

Still, many DC residents are hopeful that wiretaps of Blagojevich threatening opponents like a mafia don will inspire their politicians to be a little more creative in their corruption.

One DC resident commented, “We’re always hearing about the states being the laboratories of democracy for the federal government. And once I hear about the Senate leadership running a massage parlor in the Supreme Court basement paid out of a slush fund for needy children, I’ll know they’re finally listening.”

By Rachel Gilbert


Posted by on Jul 1 2011. Filed under Off The Hill. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

1 Comment for “D.C. Upset by Failure to Outdo Chicago Corruption”

  1. Tyron

    wadda you know about cha town

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