Bernanke Hints at Double-Dip Recession as American Children Default on Dollhouse Payments
WASHINGTON – It is now estimated that as many as 34% of all grade school children are behind on their dollhouse payments.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke admitted this morning that the outlook for the doll housing market is far bleaker than previously reported, as supply drastically outpaces demand. Millions of American dolls are now homeless.
“We are currently exploring options, and we are definitely not out of the woods on this one,” said Bernanke. “We’re still exploring the root causes of this crisis. Our last resort will be to purchase all of the oversupply in U.S. dollhouses and then burn them in a huge bonfire on the Capitol Lawn.”
Harvey Blumberg, a professor of doll housing policy at Princeton, stated that the start of the doll housing crisis began in 2004, when Goldman Sachs began providing Toys R’ Us coupons to low-income school children to help them afford dollhouses.
Soon, Fischer-Price and Mattel began to construct millions of dollhouses and extended cheap credit that was backed by New York banks and U.S. agencies to children between the ages of four and nine. Within months, Donnie Dee and Tammie Sue, both government-backed doll-housing agencies, began to guarantee the funding of layaway programs for dollhouses. Eventually, children began to default on their layaway payments, and prices plummeted below pre-bubble levels.
“It’s been a disaster,” said Ken Doll, Ken O’Reiley, a doll currently living beneath the septic tank of a mansion near Bethesda, Md. “I have nowhere to go because that stupid little brat Amanda Marshall bought 14 doll houses, and Toys R’ Us just repossessed them all. I literally have lost the clothing off my back. Look at my wife, Barbie. She’s naked and doesn’t even have a head. We’ve lost everything.”
Republicans argue that bad policy and cheap credit led to the crisis.
“We had banks lining up left and right to give loans to toddlers and preschoolers who don’t even have allowances,” said Republican Eric Cantor. “How did we ever expect for them to be able to pay for Barbie’s Technicolor Dream House when they don’t even make any money doing chores? The math was shotty from the beginning, and the government let it happen.”
CNBC ran a report on Thursday evening stating that the Congressional Finance Committee, spearheaded by Congressman Barney Frank, failed to oversee the sharp spike in the market or recognize that Donnie Dee or Tammie Sue were failing. Both agencies were taken over by the U.S. government in May.
The next few months should be tumultuous for the economy, and next week’s announcement on the purchase of dollhouse furniture should provide a glimpse of whether this market has truly bottomed out, or whether the U.S. can still expect troubles throughout the rest of 2011.
Calls to Ken and Barbie were not returned because they don’t own a phone, you fool…
By Theodore Lost