House Democrats Propose New “Death Tax,” Charge Grim Reaper for Annual Income
WASHINGTON — “Reaping the Benefits Act of 2011,” a new bill co-sponsored by Rep. Terri Sewell (D-AL) and Rep. Mike Honda (D-CA), would require Death himself to begin reporting his annual income and paying taxes to the federal government.
“Over 24,000,000 Americans died in the past year,” Honda spoke before his constituents. “Death is a business that never runs dry, but is completely unregulated. It’s literally the blackest of markets.”
According to an anonymous intern at The Washington Fancy, the 900+ page document details a stimulus plan that would put specific monetary values on each individual according to several key factors including “social status,” “weekly diet,” and the now-heavily debated “fun level.”
“These are human beings we’re talking about,” said Rep. Frank Lobiondo (R-NJ) to Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday. “How can we be judging the value of people’s lives based on how fun they are and were? We ought to be judging the value of people’s lives the same way we always have: by the color of their skin and how much money they have.”
Even Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City, expressed that he saw great potential in this legislation to change the nature of tax structure in America. “On the 2008 Presidential campaign, my slogan used to be “Death to the Death Tax!” but this is a completely different animal. In fact, I wouldn’t even call Death an animal; maybe it would be more appropriate to call him a spirit.”
The Grim Reaper has reportedly made record profits in the past 3-5 years, and awarded bonuses to his top chief executives, including Ryan Seacrest and nearly all of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
By Mark Dogood