Romney: “I was drunk when I passed Massachusetts healthcare reform”
"I'd like to apologize to America for betraying her trust... I am ashamed that I could not finish an entire bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue Label. Just like this campaign, I hereby promise to finish what I started."
DES MOINES – Speaking candidly to a crowd of supporters at a fundraising dinner in Des Moines, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney shamefully admitted that he was “totally blacked out” when he signed healthcare insurance reform into law in 2006 in Massachusetts.
Talking with an eager and desperate tone, the former governor pleaded with the Iowan crowd that he was not at fault for the landmark healthcare bill. Sponsored by his leadership, the bill mandated insurance coverage for everyone in the state and set up a highly-subsidized insurance option for low income residents.
“It was a dark time for me. I’d start with whiskey at breakfast, jump to G&T’s for lunch, whet the evening palate with a scotch or four, and end with a dozen Sam Adams – nice and hearty for a solid dinner,” said Romney. “It’s really no surprise that Speaker DiMasi was able to convince me that socialism was a good idea.”
When asked about the traditional Mormon pronouncements against drinking alcohol, Romney responded that it was the “incessant liberalism and communism” inherent in Massachusetts politics that made the governor seek solace in drink.
“I simply couldn’t take it. I would lie awake at night thinking about how evil the state was. The only solution was to fall into a mind-numbing alcohol coma 24/7, just to survive. It was a conservative defense mechanism, I swear.”
Clutching a handful of pictures showcasing his personal preference and companionship with Jack Daniels, Romney pointed to one of him signing the healthcare legislation. With a half-empty bottle, Romney is held in place by two aides while signing the document. His eyes are vacant and clearly hold confusion while looking at the bill.
Following this admission, many supporters seemed more positive about Romney’s campaign. One supporter was quoted as saying, “If he was just whacked out for his time as a liberal Massachusetts politician, I guess that’s okay. I always knew liberals were drunks – they never would believe in their policies otherwise.”
No response has been made from the various Massachusetts legislators responsible for the bill, all of whom seem to be at a summer-break weeklong kegger at the Governor’s Mansion.
By J. Gordon Witte
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Posted by J Gordon Witte
on Jul 12 2011. Filed under Headlines.
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