Bush Advises Obama to Appoint Emmitt “Doc” Brown Renewable Energy Czar
"Now you listen to me, Barockstar, the only way you'll get reelected is if you go back in time with Doc Brown and find those WMDs in Iraq. - W.
HILL VALLEY, CA – Despite spending much of his time since departing office trying to avoid any sort of publicity or media attention, former President George W. Bush is once again making headlines after a bold suggestion he made for the U.S. Energy Department went public.
In light of the country’s ongoing battle with high gas prices, and without much hope of a viable alternative in the near future, Bush is recommending that Doc Brown take over as head of the Energy Information Administration. The former President feels that this is the perfect time for a leadership change.
“How can you not look at a guy like Doc Brown at a time like this?! Gas is $4 a gallon, the T. Boone Pickens wind farm project across the Midwest turned out to be a pile of codswallop, and ANWR is off limits because of the Alaskan hippies and their overly sensitive empathy for protecting wildlife,” said Bush. “Our damn administration is too chicken-shit to embrace the hydraulic fracturing of shale deposits to acquire the seemingly infinite amount of natural gas we have beneath our surface.”
After trying to explain that Doc Brown was not an actual person and that the Back to the Future trilogy was in-fact a piece of cinematic fiction, Bush chose to ignore these realities and continued to praise the fictional doctor’s cognitive knack for creative fuel generation.
“Let’s look at the facts,” continued Bush. “The Mr. Fusion Home Energy Reactor that powered the DeLorean is one of the most innovative products of all time. Doc Brown invented something that could convert household waste to power the flux capacitor using nuclear fusion. Are you trying to tell me that a man who used garbage to fuel a flying car couldn’t solve our renewable energy problems? The man used a banana peel and a discarded can of Miller High Life to generate enough energy to get the DeLorean all the way up to 1.21 gigawatts!!”
Former Vice-President Dick Cheney was asked why Bush couldn’t comprehend that Back to the Future was fictional, he simply laughed.
“Good old Georgie,” said Cheney, “He never wanted to believe that what he saw in movies wasn’t real, no matter how absurd the premise. Every time he ran into Michael J. Fox at a fundraiser, he was always terrified that Michael was just seconds away from turning into a basketball-playing werewolf. And don’t get me started on fucking Jerry Maguire. He kept asking how he could get introduced to Tom Cruise so he could learn how to make his image resonate more effectively with the African-American community. He was literally convinced that Cruise was a god damn sports agent with Cuba Gooding Jr. as his only client.”
By Lorenzo Rearden
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Posted by LRearden
on Jul 14 2011. Filed under Off The Hill.
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