Boehner and Cantor Agree to Couples Counseling After Debt Talk Breakdown
WASHINGTON — House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) and Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) have finally agreed to seek professional help to save their failing marriage after debt talks threaten to push them even further apart.
Cantor claims that Boehner cheated on him with President Obama, and was furious that the two had gone out golfing recently. Jealously, Cantor remarked, “He never wants to take me golfing anymore. He doesn’t even notice when I wear a new tie, even when there’s nothing underneath! ”
Boehner has reportedly been coming home later than usual for some time. Other times he shows up at their shared office suite late in the day smelling of tanning oil, cigarettes and dark rum. According to sources close to the couple, Cantor began to really lose his composure when he heard that Boehner had promised the president things like “compromise” and “a really good time.” Boehner told Cantor, “That was just pillow talk, baby,” and swore that he didn’t mean any of it.
As a result, Cantor has been even testier with Obama; during the debt talks this week, he kept interrupting the president to snap out, “So was it good? Did you like it?” and proceeded to send Boehner angry texts from under the table. Despite Obama pausing the talks to tell Cantor, “Nothing happened!” Cantor wasn’t convinced. Halfway through the meeting the Majority Leader exploded, “You have no respect for the sanctity of billionaires or marriage, Mr. President! I know what you want!” at which time Obama stormed out.
“I know how this works,” Cantor weepily told their therapist as Boehner, for the first time in recorded history, did not cry. “First it’s golf, then it’s “sure, we’ll raise revenue, hike taxes, swing from the ceiling.” Next thing you know they’ll be in the Oval Office making mulatto babies. I mean, look at him! Isn’t it obvious that’s what he wants?”
After their couple’s session Boehner tried to comfort Cantor the only way he knew how: by taking him out shopping for shoes.
In a possibly unrelated development, First Lady Michele Obama has expressed a growing wariness with the president’s late-night rendezvous, especially after finding orange stains on his shirt collar.
By G. Romeri