Rick Perry to Combat Dire Texas Droughts with Harry Potter Spells
"YOU IDIOTS! Daniel Radcliffe knows how to stop these droughts and won't tell us the spells! What don't you understand about that?"
AMARILLO, TX– Reeling from failed attempts to fix his state’s drought emergency with public prayer, Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he will use magic spells from Harry Potter, the popular children’s book series, to bring the state some much needed rain.
“Obviously, the whole pray-for-rain thing seems a bit silly now,” Perry said. “But we’ve put our heads together and come up with some constructive and sustainable solutions – wizard spells!”
Texas, the second largest state in the Union, is currently facing the worst draught in its history. The crisis has led to a severe water shortage that is putting a strain on residents as well as on the state’s lucrative oil and gas drilling industry.
Perry’s original response to this dire emergency, predicted to cost the state billions of dollars in economic revenue, was to hold a mass prayer meeting at a sports stadium in Houston. The Governor personally invited Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson, who play Harry Potter and Hermione Granger in the film series, to cast the spell themselves, but the wizards declined due to the recent premier of the 7th and final installment.
Perry said he has now opted to create a 100-man task force to comb through all seven Harry Potter books for spells that may come in handy in combating the drought.
“One of them we know is Avada-Kawater,” Perry said. “Avada-Kawater! AVADA-KAWATER! AVADA-KAWATER!
Asked by a reporter if he felt the Harry Potter project would add unnecessary expenses to an already-disastrous state deficit, Perry said task force members were also looking for spells to fix the budget crisis.
“And if all else fails, I guess we can ask some Mexican immigrants to come dig up some water for us,” Perry added. “How about it, any Mexicans feel like crossing border and doing some work here… no questions asked?”
The Washington Fancy’s calls to Perry’s office were unreturned, as the Governor and his staff are flying to London to convince J. K. Rowling to let them buy the rights to her spells.
By Patricio Chillé
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Posted by Pat Chillé
on Jul 16 2011. Filed under Election 2012.
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