Weiner’s Wife Invents New iPhone Vibrator App
With new meaning to sexting comes Vibrato: “Strong enough to forget a man, but made for a woman.”
SILICON VALLEY – In a tale of sweet revenge and poetic justice, Huma Abedin, disgraced wife of former NY Rep. Anthony Weiner, announced today that she has invented a new application for the iPhone. The app, named “Vibrato,” turns the smart phone into a multi-speed vibrator.
Speaking to a standing-room only crowd of politicians’ ex-wives that had gathered at Apple’s headquarters, Abedin was jubilant. “They said it couldn’t be done,” she told the sensitive audience. “They said it was impossible. They said we would never find a cure for worthless men. But today we launch something that will revolutionize marriage, divorce, and life itself. Today, I give you Vibrato.”
The Vibrato lets women enjoy loud, romantic nights alone, without the nuisance of getting dressed, making polite conversation, or hiring a private detective. The product’s slogan – “Strong enough to forget a man, but made for a woman” – is quickly catching on. For a limited time, the App can be downloaded for free and comes with three settings: Jungle Fever, Monster, and Godzilla.
During its early stages of development, Abedin reached out across the nation to local chapters of the Ex-Wives Club, a support group for the divorced, disgraced, and displaced ex-wives of politicians. They usually meet on Wednesdays to discuss what incredible bastards their husband were, and still are.
Over the last few years, the Ex-Wives support group has swelled in numbers, indignation, and raging hormones. Making up roughly half of the members across the nation are Gingrich’s Ex-Wives Pac and McCain’s Ex-Wife Coalition. The other half is made up of bipartisan groups of displaced females including Wendy Vitter, Silda Spitzer and Maria Shriver. Together, they have formed a national super-PAC support group for women. It allows them to pool their resources and channel their anger in search for what they describe as “a cure for bastards.”
Sources close to the Super-Ex PAC and Abedin say there is already talk of a possible upgrade to the Vibrato app. In a show of pure genius, the upgrade will be designed specifically for the spouses of junk-tweeting men. In sum, the App can be linked to Twitter and Facebook accounts in a way that allows it to detect the sending of body-part pictures and related junk shots by automatically activating the vibrator function, while instantaneously archiving a legally-binding record of such junk-sharing activity.
With servers everywhere already crashing, the Vibrato App is expected to surpass all other cellphone uses including phone calls, tweeting, or taking photos of Anthony’s wiener. Now, women can relax and please just themselves anytime, anywhere. No cubicle, car, or locked closet is safe. Authorities are cautioning women to please not use it while driving, unless it is a very long trip or they plan to upload pictures.
By Cy Guevara
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i mean seriously, the iPhone is the best invention since shoes! how can it not already have a setting that — oh no wait, i found it……..
may Huma forgive me, and may someone please invent this app soon. how hard can it be?