Glenn Beck Traps Truth Inside
DALLAS – If you’re wondering where truth went, and whether it will ever return, there is both good news and bad news. The good news is that truth has been found, a bit scratched over and sore, but alive. The bad news is that Glenn Beck has trapped it inside, and is refusing to let it out.
In another bold move by the modern messiah, who seemed to be the only one prescient enough at Fox to jump before the S.S. Murdoch began its awkward leak to the bottom (coincidence?), Beck has courageously created an Internet channel in which to hide truth. He boasts publicly about his new captive, and has changed the channel’s taglines to say, “The Truth Lives Here Now!” and “It Puts the Lotion on Its Skin! Whenever It’s Told!”
Beck’s new channel, GBTV, allows viewers a 24-hour dose of Beck’s favorite realities. No one, not even Beck, is allowed to know which reality will blossom that day, as those decisions are left to Cuthulhu, his production manager and only sponsor. Beck’s company, Mercury Dark Arts, joined forces with Cuthulhu to create a “live-streaming video network” site that promises to revolutionize information by broadcasting from the dark side.
The site will feature Beck using a format he describes as ”Revelations meets Armageddon meets School House Rock.” It will also include chalkboards, arrows, and “other highly original information and entertainment programming.” In the months leading up to his timely departure from Fox, Glenn teased vanishing viewers about the wondrous things his new channel would do. He explained how his cutting-edge technology would “revolutionize the way people receive information,” calling GBTV “our future, only in real time.”
After months of anticipation the channel has revealed its revolutionary ingenuity, and Beck was right again. The main mode of receiving information indeed changed drastically; instead of free Internet access, people will now be charged $10 more a month for his special channel. Glenn explained to his followers, “As you wallow in this economic depression, ask yourself, how much more am I willing to pay to survive the raining apocalypse that is to come? How will I know when to buy gold and when to eat it? Plus, it’s the only way you’re ever going to see truth alive again.”
The first ‘teaser truth’ to be revealed by Glenn came as a shock to most. In a free public service ad that Beck posted to self-promote his new channel, he admitted that despite everything he’s ever said or done, despite anyone he’s ever worked for his entire adult life, Beck actually hates Republicans. He went so far as to say, “I really hate Republicans. I mean it, I really do hate them.”
While this revelation may seem strange, as it reduces Beck’s already decimated target audience, it was not unprecedented. This simply rounds out the enlightened Beckian philosophy, which states simply: to hate is to be. Republicans now join the chalkboard of groups Beck claims to hate, already crowded with Democrats, Latinos, Blacks, Immigrants, Soros, Obama, soccer, government, voter registration groups, community organizers, liberal wankers, sustainability, science, and the mother of all evils: Social Justice.
As production manager, Cuthulhu is thrilled to be working with his protégé, although he does acknowledge that Glenn can be a handful. Cuthulhu and Mercury Dark Arts expect that a small but rabidly loyal following of skinheads, Tea Party activists, lobotomized robots, and avid gun-collectors will pay dearly for their doses of Beckian reality, especially now that truth has been captured and is being held hostage inside. “But it’s not about the money or viewers,” says Cuthulhu, “it’s about the blood.”
Glenn’s new show officially launches September 12th. Already, he’s in the studio rehearsing. In the first ten hours, he perfected the ability to weep on a chalkboard as a way of communing with information to receive “inspired-arrow guidance.” The second ten hours of his untelevised rehearsal featured Beck, fists outstretched, daring anyone to come to the studio and wrestle the truth from his hands.
Fortunately for Glenn, several members of the GLBT community, confused by GBTV’s call letters, inadvertently slipped inside his Dallas studio. Last seen, at least one of Glenn’s fists had disappeared beneath the black leather chaps of a rather delighted-looking man. It may be some time before truth can be spotted.
By Cy Guevara