Republicans Pledge to Stroke the Money-Pole, Striptease for Corporations
NEW HAMPSHIRE – With election campaigns fully underway, the political pledge-drives continue. But the most sacred gift by Republicans —publicly pledging their sweet, sweet lovemaking skills to corporate sponsors — officially began with the Duty Pageant hosted by CNN last month.
Across the globe, moguls judged the contestants on how far these hopefuls promised to go with them – first base, over the pants but under the belt, or the full public policy reach-around. The delicate dance around the money-pole is a time-honored tradition, as contestants spin and gyrate, rubbing the pole and themselves, while provocatively taking off their principles, one by one. It is widely assumed that the judges gauge this pole-dancing competition with their trousers already down.
The most brazen seduction was awarded to Tea Party leader and representative hottie Michele Bachman, who unnerved audiences by speaking in full sentences. She then got the corporate judges hot, unbuttoning her promise to napalm the Environmental Protection Agency, while simultaneously exposing her Christian conscience by repeating how many children she’s raised – 28. Her slogan: “Raise as many kids as you can for the love of God, but pollute their world for big poppa.”
Between pole-dances, the seven pageant contestants tried to crowd as far to the right of the stage as possible, climbing over each other to wag the flag, pound the cross, and scare the living feces out of the most number of viewers. Pizza mogul and Glenn Beck sweetheart Herman Cain won the feces-scaring contest when he warned people that death panels were just the happy start, and that Obama’s healthcare would one day lead to pushing wheelchair-ridden children off of bridges. Really. Though Cain’s pole-dance came off as a bit too eager, he won the math competition by a sweeping margin due to his sheer love of numbers. “I demand more ones, twos, and threes!” he belted out.
During the talent portion of the competition, Newt Gingrich lassoed the judges the moon, asking NASA to step aside so the free market can finally put strip malls and factories up there. But Mitt Romney won the talent portion with his acrobatic leaps, vaulting over the recent housing crisis, market fraud, and Wall Street meltdown by explaining that government should step further aside and let the market continue to dictate everything. Then he slid down the money-pole upside down, executing a perfect 10-point landing on this issue while managing to keep his buttocks taut, his feet pointed out, and letting his hair break his fall.
Tim Pawlenty’s balls lost beauty points when he proved he wasn’t an animal, refusing to attack Romney on Obomneycare no matter what moderator John King did to taunt his package. Pawlenty also insulted the sensitive judges and brought their arousal levels momentarily down by being the only contestant on stage to mention the dirty words ‘fair trade.’ But he recovered his manhood and the favor of corporate heads alike by promising to institute more conservative judges, which have been closely linked to corporate happiness.
At one point, the seven contestants came together to bond over their one ideal: pledging to uphold and keep sacred the rights of unborn fetuses. Just before the Amen, they closed, saying that as soon as that baby hits the air, all rights are off. All except for Ron Paul, who explained the importance of all individual rights, while simultaneously rationalizing why government should never be big enough to enforce any of them.
John King got so worked up refereeing the pageant that he quite lost his mind, ribbetting like a frog while contestants answered questions. He then started speaking so fast it sounded as if he were auctioning contestants off, which in fact he was. But King raised the political stakes by excluding boring questions on such things as poverty, foreclosures, income inequality, torture, domestic surveillance, whistleblower rights, monopolies, plutocracy, or tax breaks for billionaires. Instead he used the airtime to ask the pointed questions, like: deep dish or thin crust, spicy or mild, Jesus or Reagan? Even after the debate, King was heard yelling out questions, grabbing one straggling intern and shouting, “Weiner or porn?”
America’s Duty Pageant will be going on for what will feel like ever but promises to end one year and three months from now. It is likely a coincidence that the Mayan calendar predicts the world will end one month later. Should the country make it to next November, contestants will still have a hard time beating the beautiful Barrack Obama, sitting duty pageant queen. Queen Obama’s 2008 dance will not be soon forgotten, when she provocatively teased the public, removing oppressive layers while stepping wide around the money-pole, only to execute a pole-dance turn of hypersonic speed.
Regardless of which side of the political seesaw comes down on us, corporate heads are sure to remain up, plump, and out of jail, having already paid for their happy ending.
By Cy Guevara