Bristol Palin’s Existence Still Affecting Media Outlets
ALASKA – The initial bombshell of Bristol Palin’s teen pregnancy is now a distant horror, but at its prime in the 2008 election, the fallout once threatened to engulf the country, wipe out her mother’s Vice Presidential bid, and render every teenager in America sterile. Yet, almost three years later, scientists are warning that the presence of Bristol Palin persist at an “unsafe level” in media coverage.
“We initially predicted a celebrityhood half-life of fifteen minutes, or two news cycles tops,” explained an anonymous official at the C.D.C. “But our latest sampling of mainstream coverage reveals persistent interviews, news items, and gossip about a woman who is famous for getting embarrassingly knocked up.”
While many believed Sarah Palin’s loss in the 2008 election cycle would result in a necessary end to the highly radioactive levels of Bristol Palin’s relevancy, they have undergone only a marginal reduction.
“Sure, it was a surprise when she was on Dancing with the Stars, but some echo effects can be expected, and we were able to safely protect the American people by insulating her with other irrelevant icons,” explains FEMA Administrator W. Craig Fugate. “Yet here she is. promoting a goddamn book on CNN, and how could we possibly have prepared for that? For God’s sake, it’s a memoir where the watershed moment involves wine coolers.”
Homeland Security officials have issued several advisories warning Americans of the dangers of exposure to Bristol Palin news coverage, in hopes of keeping negative effects to a minimum.
“Maybe if we all ignore her she will just go away,” said a flustered Fugate.” That’s how disasters like Katrina work, right?”
By James Shea