China Creates New “Wang Doctrine,” U.S. Mocks China’s Wang
BEIJING -– In line with its evident quest for global recognition as a superpower, China has created a new sphere of influence called the “Wang Doctrine,” a program modeled after the American Monroe Doctrine of the 19th century. Named after the admiral who penned the document, the program establishes new intervention criteria and promises to annex Asian territories in the name of national interest.
The so-called Wang Doctrine calls for exclusive rights by the People’s Republic of China over Taiwan, the Paracel and Spratly Islands, as well as economic and diplomatic control over Mongolia and all of Southeast Asia, including Indonesia. The Pentagon used its harshest language to condemn this brazen and completely open disregard of international law by Chinese military leaders.
At an emergency session of the Senate Armed Services Committee, several U.S. admirals were on hand to answer questions and analyze the new threat this doctrine posed to US interests. While all stressed the seriousness of the charges, it was clear that the U.S. military was having trouble taking the whole proclamation seriously.
Admiral Mike Mullen, Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, started his testimony with the gravity that should be lent to such a military crisis, but quickly dissolved into giggles within the first few minutes. “Gentlemen, this new… uh… Wang…. um haha…. Doctrine… hmmm excuse me… is… Well, its a serious… hahaha… um, very serious threat. Jesus, I can’t do this.”
Admiral Gary Roughead, the Chief of Naval Operations, was more open about his disregard for the new doctrine. “I mean, this is just ridiculous. First, the goals are far too broad. They can’t possibly do it. We’re America after all. More importantly, who the fuck names a military strategy after a johnson? Ridiculousness.”
Admiral Patrick M. Walsh, Commander of the Pacific Fleet, was giddy by the time he spoke to Congressional leaders. “Know this, China: your Wang’s seamen will never be able to penetrate our impregnable defenses we have created in the region. All their efforts will be useless, no matter how long they think this Wang’s reach is. We can’t afford to let the Chinese win because of one Wang.”
Although some policymakers see the peculiar naming of the doctrine as a means of allowing America to underestimate the Chinese threat, the Pentagon dismissed such nonsense as “thinking too much into it.”
By J. Gordon Witte