LEAKED: Gov’t Releases New Warning Labels for Alcohol
Following a successful campaign to make stricter, more graphic warning label for cigarettes, FDA Commissioner Margaret Hamburg has set her sites on the alcohol industry. In a series of emails, Ms. Hamburg revealed her plan to replace the dated government warning that currently appears on various bottles. Proposed labels include:GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the Surgeon General, college students should not consume alcoholic beverages during fraternity events, because of the increased risk of singing Queen songs way too loudly with a bunch a strangers.
GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the Surgeon General, excessive consumption of alcohol while wearing your shoes may result in penises being drawn on the consumer in hard-to-wash areas.
GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the Surgeon General consumption of alcoholic beverages my impair your ability to recognize you might have just pooped a little.
GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the Surgeon General sex starved youth should avoid alcohol because of the increase risk of having sex with overweight women while you both eat Burker King Snackers and cheddar-flavored goldfish.GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the Surgeon General, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during their period, due to the risk of crying because “no one here thinks I are pretty enough.”
Three glasses of wine later, at the Dave Matthews Band Concert
GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the Surgeon General, in extreme cases, alcohol consumption can result in enjoying a Dave Mathews Band concert.
By Anderson Pooper
Posted by Anderson Pooper
on Jul 30 2011. Filed under Sunday Specials
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