EXCLUSIVE: What Would Reagan Cut?
Some of Saint Reagan’s suggestions also included cutting Romney’s hair and trimming your nails.
WASHINGTON – After all the debt debates, a strong bipartisan coalition has finally emerged that claims to receive its instructions from “heaven.”
Together, 98% of all Republicans, 89% of all Democrats, and 1 Lieberman have just launched an ad campaign titled “What Would Reagan Cut?” The ad is designed to make people stop and think about the impact that specific cuts could have on our country’s delicate billionaires and celebrities.
The coalition was founded after congressional leaders and their staffs spent increasing time together avoiding talks, following all the intense clerical work of not passing any budget or bills. They then turned to other forms of reality avoidance. Many began watching Fox News or WWF Wrestling, while holding séances in the underground bunkers below the Capitol. Almost immediately during these séances, members of both major parties began channeling the voice of what appears to be Ronald Reagan.
It seems our beloved ex-president has been sainted in heaven as on earth, and has started a regular podcast from beyond. His advice is to “First, feed my millionaires,” and only then will goodness, jobs, and food trickle down to the needy “like manna from up here.” Since then, this bipartisan coalition has been working hard to heed Reagan’s call. They’ve pushed lavish meals on their wealthiest campaign donors, upped our unemployment figures by furloughing 4,000 FAA employees this week, only to return to the arduous task of cutting food stamps, Medicare, and other wasteful spending.
The What Would Reagan Cut? campaign has somewhat overshadowed another group that likewise claims to receive its instructions from “heaven.” The Sojourners, a coalition of Christian groups including the Conference of Catholic Bishops, launched a campaign this week called What Would Jesus Cut? Their hope is to pressure President Obama and Congress into saving the poor instead of the billionaires, by recalling what Jesus said about helping the needy and pointing out that they exist.
The WWJC ads feature local pastors and air in the home states of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), and in the district of House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). It is expected that once they hear these Christian messages, Boehner will cry and both Reid and McConnell’s hearts will grow three sizes in one day.
By Cy Guevara
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