Hardcore Centrism Gives Obama a Boehner
While playing with their putters, President Barack Obama reminds House Speaker John Boehner that "golf" spelled backwards is "flog."
WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama stunned members of his party Wednesday with the revelation of his fetishization of hardcore centrism.
Rumors of the President’s extreme bipartisanship were confirmed as the standoff over deficit reduction and raising the debt ceiling was winding down. Throughout negotiations with Republicans, Democrats had received messages from Obama such as “Oh yeah,” and “Keep going,” having taken them as encouragement toward their efforts.
As the endgame neared, however, they began to question the President’s faithfulness. “It was really unnerving,” said a staffer who wished to remain anonymous. “He kept putting himself in these extreme positions and talking about making deep cuts. The Republicans would slap him and spit in his face, and he would just smile and ask for more. It was only after he signed off on a deal that gives the Tea Party just about everything it wants with nothing in return, that I figured out the guy is into some pretty twisted shit.” It was in light of this that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi declined to whip the Democratic caucus in the final House vote.
The discovery of Obama’s predilections has led many Democrats to revisit his behavior in previous dealings with the Republicans. A Senate aide speaking off the record offered his take:
“The signs have been there all along, I guess, but for a while it just seemed like some innocent playing around. Back during the fight over health care reform, Chuck Grassley would dangle his legislative package in front of the President, Obama would say ‘Take it!’ and then Chuck Grassley would back away, waving his finger all coyly.”
He went on, “Then it just got harsh and kinky and ridiculous. With the Bush tax cuts last December and the budget fight in the spring, the Republicans would have him on the rack, stretching him to the breaking point, and then he would yell out the safe word, ‘REAGAN!’ and give them what they wanted, and then they’d make the pain stop.”
The aide sighed before concluding, “He was such a nice boy. But I guess that’s part of the problem, isn’t it?”
In spite of Obama’s dalliances, cuckolded Democrats for the most part will remain by his side. “I’m still going to vote for him,” says Democratic activist Gary Salmon. “What the President does in the privacy of his office is of no concern to me.”
“And besides,” he adds, “I’m never going to go for a Republican. What kind of masochist do you take me for?”
By Doug Limey
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Posted by Doug Limey
on Aug 4 2011. Filed under Headlines.
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i have a boner for boehner