NY Man Marries His Dog, Traditional Marriage Advocates Vindicated
"You're a bigot, you know that? Just because he's a Collie doesn't mean we can only do it 'you-know-what' style." - Harold Bateman to anonymous WF Reporter
BUFFALO, NY—At 2:00 P.M. yesterday afternoon, Harold Bateman, 46, was seen outside a Western New York courthouse with a spritely, 2-year-old Border Collie named Gingy. After a couple hours of loitering, staff came out to greet him and inquire as to why he was standing outside the courthouse.
“Well Gingy and I were listening to Pat Robertson the other day, and when he said that the slippery slope of gay marriage would lead to people marrying animals, we thought it was time to give it a whirl.” said Harold.
After a brief debate over whether or not parental consent was necessary (Gingy is, after all, only two) the courthouse waived the usual prohibition on the entrance of dogs and allowed Harold to legally marry Gingy.
Governor Cuomo applauded the move as a new stage in acceptance. “It really was a great stride in the triumph of human rights allowing people with varying sexual interests to be married. Right up there with the signing of the Declaration of Independence, storming of the Bastille, emancipation of slaves, and the fall of the Berlin Wall. I wish Harold and Gingy approximately eight more years of bliss (given the average lifespan of a Border Collie).”
When asked why he wanted to marry Gingy, Harold explained “Well, it is kind of like the show Wilfred. While everyone else sees a dog, I see a hot young number with a sexy Australian accent in a dog suit. She’s impulsive, but I think this will work out for now.”
Both homosexual activists and Right-Wing Christians were upset over the recent development. “I told you so.” said Dr. James Dobson, a self-proclaimed expert in bestiality genetics. “Soon we’ll have men going to court houses with puppies, then multiple puppies, then multiple male puppies, then tarantulas, then who knows! Mark my words, one man marrying a dog will spell the death of Western Civilization.”
Reggie Patterson, a noted local homosexual rights activist, had a similar opinion. “We homosexuals were people wishing to marry each other. That degenerates like Bateman would simply take advantage of our work so far is a moral outrage!”
Thousands of women are left wondering if they can file for similar partnerships with multiple cats.
By NE Wasp
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