CNN Polls May Make US a Direct Democracy
ATLANTA — According to the latest poll by CNN, nine in 10 Americans believe government should use polls to make all decisions. Like many networks, CNN uses polls to gauge viewer opinions on national concerns. Unlike other networks, CNN has proposed it be licensed by the government as the nation’s sole poll provider.
“Twelve in 13 Americans decide their opinions primarily based upon polls” explained Bill Schneider, a senior political analyst at CNN. He, along with eight in ten employees of news sources, believes polls will make government more efficient.
“If the government obeyed the demands of citizens, two in three Americans would be happy with seven out of every nine decisions made,” said a pollster for CNN. “This would eliminate the need for congressmen, judges – even the president.”
Since many have been displeased with the GOP, President Obama and Washington generally, CNN estimates 4 out of 5 Americans would support abolishing these positions. Further, CNN wants to become to only recognized poller in the US, so as to facilitate what it calls “the government of tomorrow.”
The network would effectively become the head of state, telling those still in office what to do based on poll results.
“President Obama has not yet warmed to our efforts to become the only legal polling service in the country,” a lawyer for CNN said. “However, a recent CNN poll finds seven in 11 Americans think he will.”
Despite this sunny outlook, the network may not be poised for success. Not mentioned by those at CNN was a poll by NBC, reporting that four in 10 Americans think monopolies are still illegal (the other six in 10 were unsure).
By Kate Incandeza