Child’s Text Message Blamed For 100-Point Decline In Dow
NEW YORK – Amid heightened anxiety over the global economy and several days of poor performance in the stock markets, analysts say that the most recent 100-point decline in the Dow Jones Industrial Average can be blamed on an 11-year-old child’s text message to a friend.
Mary Mallon, the child in question, sent a text message to her friend Sarah that read, “Bank crashed no more money.” She was referring to her piggy bank, which had dropped to the floor and shattered, scattering its contents around the room. The trouble apparently began when Sarah’s father read the message on his daughter’s phone, which he did regularly, as one of the conditions of her receiving a phone.
Sarah’s father, who is a senior stockbroker with UBS, interpreted the message to mean that Bank of America was bankrupt. This led to him having all UBS funds sell their Bank of America stocks, driving the stock’s price down quickly. In turn, other investors noticed this and also began selling stock in Bank of America. The sell off drove down stock prices across the market and caused a 100-point loss in the Dow. Bank of America had almost been made bankrupt by the decline, but a last minute loan of an undisclosed amount from the Federal Reserve Bank, reported to be several billion dollars at -2% interest, saved the bank from insolvency.
Mary, when interviewed after several journalists traced the day’s stock market decline back to her initial text message, said, “I was just trying to save up to buy a nice dress. I found about twenty dollars under my bed.”
There is no word of any repercussions for Sarah’s father or other traders, but the Securities and Exchange Commission is contemplating charging Mary with fraud, which could send her to jail for several decades.
By David Epstein