LEAKED: Prayers You Didn’t Hear at Perry’s Prayer Rally
Rick Perry preached to 30,000 Fundamentalist Christians late last week in an apparent attempt to gain support for his Presidential bid. Although Perry shared many prayers with his supporters throughout the day, not all of his words were deemed acceptable by his campaign manager. Thankfully, The Washington Fancy’s own Anderson Pooper works part time as a janitor at Reliant Stadium in Houston, and found the rough draft of proposed prayers while cleaning up after the event:
1) Dear Lord Jesus, let not my followers realize that stealing the thunder from the Iowa Straw Poll winner by announcing my candidacy on the same day was a total dick move.
2) Jesus, I pray to you today that my supporters do not notice my anxiety boner, for I have tucked it into the waistband of my pants.
3) Lord, I pray to you that Americans forget what happened the last time they elected a Texas Governor as President, for he was retarded, in Your name we pray.
4) With your name in our heart, Jesus, we ask that Tony Romo will be injured this year, for he is overrated and a douche.
5) Jesus Christ our savior, together we ask that I don’t accidentally slip up and say n[redacted] in public, transforming my subtle prejudice into overt racism.
6) Dear Lord Jesus, we pray that the bumps on my genital are razor burn and not herpes, as I so suspect.
7) God, I ask you today that Mitt Romney lose his devilishly handsome head of hair so that he is transformed from a charismatic sex magnet who is also a Mormon into just a Mormon.
Today, we ask you, Jesus, that Republicans forget I once ran Al Gore’s campaign in Texas, for now he is a pussy.