The Tea Party Presents Its 2012 Candidates
MEMPHIS — When the Tea Party became unhappy that their presidential candidates were willing to raise the debt ceiling, a national search began for the country’s most intransigent politicians. The Tea Party wants candidates who take America seriously – someone who is new to the political scene, but who lives his (or her) life with honor, integrity, and patriotism. The 2012 crop of Tea Party Candidates will be the most unrelenting of all presidential nominees.
Jameson Beauregard Antebellum Lee is known in his native Arkansas for his prowess at boar noodling. He does not believe in raising the debt ceiling and thinks that a dropped ceiling would be just fine. He believes that nuclear weapons are underused in our international policy. He does not believe in wearing shirts. “I would break into Nancy Pelosi’s bathroom and take a shit,” Lee said when asked about his negotiation strategies.
Jane Casey understands that conservatives respond to anorexic, non-threatening women who display almost no intelligence at all. She has worked very hard to achieve that standard, even though the cost was her last semester of beauty school. She does not believe in Social Security, Medicare, or unemployment benefits. But she would like to see the removal of federal taxes on alcoholic beverages, waxing, and cable television. She has three children and five “fathers” (sugar daddies), and when pressed on the issue, she will only say – “It’s complicated.” It always is.
Congresswoman Michele Bachmann takes the intensity of a linebacker and the thousand-yard stare of a Marine to convey a depthless insanity only known by a handful of cult leaders. She has a history of service, but no actual accomplishments, and she carefully maintained her career in a state known for solvency. Recent studies indicate that Minnesota could be run by chimpanzees and still stay in the black. Bachmann hates gays so badly that she has introduced legislation to ban the color pink, apparently unaware that her husband is gay.
By Thomas Moore