Kazakhstan Changes Name to “Boringstan” to Reflect National Identity
ASTANA — After three months of deliberation and a nationwide vote, Kazakhstan’s 16.4 million citizens have reached a consensus in changing their country’s name to “Boringstan.” The name received 50.1 percent of the vote on Monday.
“The new name really captures the social and political fabric of this nation,” said Kardesh Malfi, a 21-year-old university student who first proposed the winning name. “This place is boring as shit. Our national pastime is staring at rocks…”
Malfi’s suggestion was among 10 finalists in the nationwide vote. After several rounds, the final vote was between the two favorites. Other candidates included Mountainystan, Stanstan, Hellonearthstan, Killmestan, Lookanotherockstan, Oilstan, Morerocksthanpeoplestan, Vodkastan, and the second place finisher, renaming the country “Bruce Willis” after the popular actor.
“Boringstan just edged our idea by a few hundred votes, but it’s a great name,” said Haveet Mooncar, the candidate who proposed naming the country after his favorite actor. “It’s a little disappointing for me though. Now I’ll never know what it’s like to live inside Bruce Willis. It can’t be more unexciting than this place.”
Aside from the new name, the country will also create a new flag and national emblem. The new national emblem will feature a stick figure standing outside of a house with his hands in its pockets and eyes slanted down toward the earth. “The character is trying to think of something to do, but he’s resigned to the fact that his world is the most boring residence that one could possibly imagine,” said artist Shepard Fairey, designer of the new national flag. Fairey is best known for designing the Obama “Hope” posters that were highly popular in the 2008 U.S. election.
By winning the nationwide renaming contest, Malfi will carry the new flag of Boringstan at the 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony in London. Malfi will accompany Boringstan’s top athletes, including Olympian boxer Moonshine Maldova and Ping Pong champion Barataroatovashir Manshedonismathiv Malatoniseeehshiovabat.
Calls to Boringstan were not possible, as the nation is not yet aware of the magic talking boxes that allow people to converse over long distances.
By Theodore Lost