Geithner Says Stock Market Woes Not Europe’s Fault; Blames Gathering of the Juggalo’s
WASHINGTON – Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, who most recently was seen lashing out at Standard & Poor’s after their decision to downgrade the U.S. debt quality, places the blame of another miserable week for the economy not on the Europeans or the quantitative traders, but on another group of individuals entirely: Juggalos.
For those unaware, a “juggalo” is a name given to someone who is a fan of the hip-hop group Insane Clown Posse. There are many distinguishing characteristics that juggalos have used over the years to identify themselves as such, including but not limited to: face paint, body odor, ironic t-shirts, poor personal hygiene, and a penchant for drinking Faygo; a non-alcoholic beverage that many say tastes like a combination of sour milk and cat piss.
This past weekend celebrated the annual “Gathering of the Juggalos” in downstate Illinois, a yearly ritual where juggalos from all across the country get together to hang out, dance, imbibe massive amounts of alcohol and drugs, and blame their parents and/or guardians for all of life’s hardships. Unfortunately, it seems as if hundreds of pictures taken at the event went viral last Sunday night, and much of the world has now seen pictures of juggalos and the activities they embrace. Many across the globe are now wondering if that is what all Americans are like, which has resulted in a complete retraction of faith and confidence in the U.S. and our stock market.
Geithner released the following statement at the end of the trading day on Friday: ”After seeing pictures from the event, I no longer wonder why all the other countries in the world have suddenly developed an absence of assurance in the U.S. economy. Topless girls making out with fat dudes for money, nose piercings and wacky face paint, jean shorts and Mohawks; I can’t even begin to grasp the horror of what it must have been like to be there in person. I’m pretty sure I saw one picture that looked like a 300-pound man cornholing a ham sandwich while wearing a shirt that said “Fat Kids are Harder to Kidnap.”
Members of Insane Clown Posse could not be reached for comment, but one juggalo did reach out to The Fancy and assured us that being an outcast is cool, and that wearing clothing which doesn’t fit your body type is even cooler.
By Lorenzo Rearden