San Francisco Crowds Celebrate Bay Area Police’s 6th Shooting

Anonymous revelers disguised themselves as white men to avoid being shot by the easily confused BART police.

SAN FRANCISCO – Last Monday, San Francisco revelers were finally allowed to congregate in celebration of the 6th civilian-commuter or homeless person shot by the Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) Police. Crowds had wanted to honor these brave officers the week before when, citing “modesty,” BART prevented their demonstration of affection from occurring by shutting down all cellphone service at their subway stations.

On Monday, however, crowds were able to surround the stations and chant positive messages to the BART officers that had gathered en masse to welcome them. Some revelers cried, “Thanks for the Justice, Thanks for the Peace!” while others chanted things like, “Ho ho, hey hey, why don’t you use that Taser we got you for Christmas instead of blowing more people away?” and “Please don’t kill me!” BART police responded by showing off the other nice present that the crowds had paid for: nice long “prodding” sticks; perfect for sodomy, flag dances, or conducting music.

The 206 BART police officers who patrol the SF Bay transit stations are well known for protecting the safety and route schedules of 350,000 commuters with lethal and often close-range accuracy. Since their founding in 1972, BART transit police have shot and killed six people – three of them in the past three years. This has somewhat helped to ease the commute in the Bay area, for which residents are obviously grateful.

Commuters in New York have begun to complain that their transit police department, with 2,400 officers, has “not had a fatal shooting in at least 10 years.” Most New York residents who deal with hostile crowds on a regular basis cite lack of discipline in their police force, saying, “Our transit cops just aren’t trying. Couldn’t they have taken out just a few people? Like that obese woman who wears a tube top, takes up three seats and sings Neil Diamond every damn day?”

BART Police Chief Rainey is proud of the excessive force used by his transit force. In June, the officer who shot Oscar Grant, 22, in the back as he was lying face down was released after serving 11 months in jail. During his trial for killing Grant, Officer Johannes Mehserle claimed he mistook his own gun for his taser – an easy mistake in the hostile combat environment of a subway train platform. This July, the BART team shot a drunken homeless man named Mr. Hill.

The recent protest, on behalf of the homeless Mr. Hill, police brutality and censorship, was promoted by Anonymous sources and attended by many residents who looked a lot like Guy Fawkes. Still, residents remain puzzled as to why BART cut off cellular communication, preventing the people’s First Amendment right to organize or make dinner plans; many cited it as a violation of free speech and “very uncool.” In fact, most people found it so uncool that they plan to protest BART’s censorship again today. Given our present environment, those who lack the means to invest in gold may soon discover Guy Fawkes masks a wise investment.

BART police have long borne ridicule, both in high school and more recently, by “real” police officers who often call them “glorified mall cops” and “f*cking retards.” To lift their spirits, Chief Rainey is instituting a new policy that he hopes will encourage BART officers to practice tasering people first rather than shooting them. It’s called the “Commuter Anti-Fart Campaign Alert,” or CAFCA. Already, several elderly ladies have been tasered and taken down on the train platform for violating BART’s new “clean air” policy.