Religious Extremists Claim Responsibility for D.C. Earthquake
WASHINGTON — A pro-Gaddafi Islamist group calling itself Rasha’an Salaam claimed responsibility for the magnitude 5.9 earthquake that rumbled through the D.C. area on Tuesday.
In a statement released by Admir Al Akbar, the leader of the previously unknown terror group, Rasha’an Salaam urged America to withdraw from Libya, even as rebels closed in on the deposed leader of the North African country.
“Thanks to Allah, a large part of the Virginia farmlands have been shaken and the American government was sent into a panic for 35 minutes,” said the statement, posted on a website which was set up moments after the earthquake, according to a CIA official.
Under the imposing dome of the U.S. Capitol, the earthquake caused scenes of chaos that filled the once-orderly hallways transporting staffers around the Hill. “I didn’t know what to do, I just grabbed my desk plant and ran towards the door,” said Jeannie Cargill, a legislative assistant assigned to no specific representative in particular. “I saw several people in front of me trip over file cabinets and boxes that had fallen into the hallway. It was hellish. I know that this is an act of terror. How can someone do this?”
President Obama was swift to address the nation and offered his thoughts to the victims of the earthquake. “My thoughts and prayers are with those retirees awoken from their afternoon nap in the pastoral areas of Northern Virginia, and with those government employees who may have been prevented from reaching a high score in Spider Solitaire when the earthquake struck. We will be doing what we can to bring the perpetrators of the earthquake to justice.”
Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano confirmed that the new terror group’s weaponization of the weather poses a grave concern for U.S. security. “We are doing our best to investigate whether the earthquake was a result of the actions of this group, but at this time we are not prepared to make an official comment. It is common for these sorts of groups to be hoaxes, but we are taking this most seriously.”
By Constable Perkins