Meteorologists Forecast the Four Riders of the Apocalypse Will Come After Hurricane Irene
WASHINGTON – While the East Coast is still trying to make sense of the full impact by Hurricane Irene, meteorologists at NOAA have made a shocking conclusion about the weather immediately following the storm.
Although the next few days are expected to be warm and rainy, all signs point to the arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse sometime between Friday and Sunday of next week.
“The Horsemen have been sighted just off the coast of Haiti , and our Doppler radar show they are in a fine mood,” said Jim Dodson, a senior meteorologist. “Of course, Haiti gets visited every few years, but they usually turn back after that. This time they look set to continue onto to D.C. and the other major cities on the eastern seaboard.”
Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann stated that this was “a just punishment from God for the iniquities of the devilish, satanic hovel-city that is D.C. It’ll surely prove my cause right as the streets of the east run red with the blood of unbelievers and cheese-munching, French-wannabes. After seeing the unmitigated carnage and disaster that this will cause, everyone will think that God clearly doesn’t like socialism. I just wish I could have de-funded FEMA and all other federal emergency medical and disaster relief programs. Obviously, the area would have no problem if it had to rely on solely local, patriotic funding.”
With the onset of the Four Horsemen confirmed by many leading meteorologists, President Obama called on Congress to issue a bailout of $500 billion, in an attempt to bribe the demonic scourges to move away from the capital. Although the efficacy of this attempt is unknown, it is clear Congress will be completely incapable of deciding on the matter one way or the other, so the gesture has amounted to nothing more than a symbolic effort.
By J. Gordon Witte