Supreme Court: Corporations Have More Rights Than Actual People
WASHINGTON — The debate over corporate personhood leaped over another milestone with the recent victory of Citizen United over the Federal Election Commission. With the ever-thinning divide between corporations and persons, a new definition of person had to be created. In a landmark Supreme Court decision, the personhood of American citizens has been revoked.
“It’s just simple logic,” said Chief Justice John Roberts. “Corporations are obviously not humans. There is a big difference between corporations and humans. So if corporations get the title of ‘person,’ then humans can’t be ‘persons’ too. You know, because they’re so different.”
The implications of this decision are unfathomable. Since humans are not persons, they are no longer protected by the Constitution; the freedoms of speech, of religion, the right to bear arms, and countless other protections are nullified.
Judge Antonin Scalia was the lone dissenting vote. Following the decision, he attempted to express his outrage, but was stopped because he lacks the freedom of speech.
Not all human speech has been suppressed, however – only speech that opposes corporate interests has been repressed. “I love the decision,” said Lars Underwood, a D.C. citizen, as he looked over his shoulder. “I welcome our corporate masters.”
Since the decision, only corporations or representatives of those corporations retain rights. All humans have been advised by their corporate overlords to do nothing and say nothing, as the littlest offense can be punished by death since “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” are no longer attainable. To this end, no human is allowed to be happy or even attempt it.
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By Peter Coburn