Government Agencies Issue New Warnings
Surgeon General Warning:
Caution! It has come to the attention of the office of the Surgeon General that consuming Indian food can result in severe gastrointestinal distress leading in some cases to flatulence and a severely decreased probability of getting laid. It is the recommendation of this office that no man consume Indian food before ,or more importantly, during a serious chance at intercourse….
Danger! While the environmental impact of gasoline-fueled cars is still under investigation (and often highly debated), it has become clear to this body that driving a hybrid invariably makes you look like a pussy. While it is not generally the policy of the EPA to allow for possible environmental catastrophes, it is the recommendation of this agency that you put the health of polar bears on the back burner and start driving bad-ass monster trucks until their is conclusive evidence of global warming.
Caution! Although we may have successfully negotiated an over-hyped natural disaster, please do not rely on the federal government for aid post-disaster, especially if you are a minority. Additionally, if you are a victim of a previous disaster, it may seem that we are abandoning you, but it is the opinion of this office that we are not, so you must be mistaken.