Shocking New Research: Politicians in Congress are Not Perfect
NEW YORK – This week, The Washington Fancy released the results of a 5-year study on the behavior of politicians. The study, which delved deeply into the habits and voting behaviors of members of Congress, attempted to evaluate their effectiveness in solving the complex issues of the United States. As per the conclusion of the study, they are highly ineffective.
The report notes that an overwhelming majority of Americans believe that politicians are infallible, and that they are the perfectly suited to solve the worlds’ problems. However, the report quickly changes tone to show politicians may, against popular opinion, have some flaws.
“It was assumed that all politicians were honest and had the tools to keep our country in great condition,” one anonymous researcher commented. “In just the first year of the study alone, we discovered that some politicians cheated on their wives, took bribes from lobbyists, and weren’t quite sure what laissez-faire economics really meant.”
The study not only evaluated the personal lives of politicians, but also the outcome of their policies. In 2008, Congress appeared to have put in hard work, intellectual debate, and countless photo ops, but in spite of this, the United States dipped into a recession. The recession remained deep and unemployment remained high, even though Congress had a solid plan that everybody thought would work – throwing money at the problem. “ They threw millions of dollars. Then they threw billions. They couldn’t remember what number came next, so they took a 4-month hiatus to cheat on their wives, 140 characters at a time,” says the report.
An additional finding indicates that the slow American recovery might have a correlation to the newly discovered shortcomings of politicians. Apparently, it is hard to create solutions to complex problems when half of the House members are flirting with their aids and the other half are spending all their time hiding it from the media.
During the first year alone, the report claimed to have found the perfect politician. He had fulfilled the classic American dream by rising from the Senate to a Presidency built on hope and change. By page 40, however, the report notes that the dream was over. The study was forced to conclude that, “although it seems like politicians are both trustworthy and brilliant, none of them are. The smart ones are dishonest and the honest ones don’t exist. Who knew?”
By Chris Todd