Man Takes Viagra, Wears Sweatpants for TSA Pat Down


NASHVILLE INT’L AIRPORT — A Wyoming man walked through a TSA checkpoint with a raging erection on Thursday, daring TSA officers and even fellow passengers to give him an invasive pat down.

“I’m next,” Warren Kelvin, 34, screamed as he pushed to the front of the security line. According to TSA officials, Kelvin had ingested two Viagra and wore sweatpants without boxers for his Southwest flight from Nashville to Phoenix.

"Sir, thank you for cooperating with TSA regulations, but this is the 6th time you've been through security. You really don't need to come back here anymore."

“I thought he was carrying a baton in his pants,” said Amanda Watershed, second shift supervisor of the A Terminal at Nashville International Airport. “Nope… That was his penis.”

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Even though TSA officials allowed Kelvin to initially pass through security without the controversial pat down, the passenger on more than one occasion got back in line until he felt that he had been thoroughly inspected. Kelvin finally got the invasive pat down by 38-year-old officer Duncan Allbright after 80 minutes and four trips through security.

“Even after we let him pass through he kept walking out of the terminal and getting back in line,” said Watershed. “Finally, Duncan had to bite the bullet for everyone and do a thorough screening of him in a private [security] room.”

Allbright, a 14-year veteran of airport security, announced his retirement shortly after Kelvin boarded the plane. “I’m going home to take a shower and make love to my wife,” said Allbright as he got into his car. “This job isn’t for me. I’ve suddenly lost my passion for touching strangers.”

U.S Homeland Security director Janet Napolitano dismissed concerns that more TSA officers would quit or that more travelers would take similar measures to get their “jollies”. “I am hoping this is an isolated incident. If flights were a lot cheaper, I could see more people doing this,” said Napolitano, “but with the cost of airplane fuel rising, I don’t think $560 roundtrip is a bargain price to get fondled.”

Calls to TSA headquarters went unanswered, as everyone there is just exhausted.

By Theodore Lost

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Posted by on Sep 18 2011. Filed under Off The Hill. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

61 Comments for “Man Takes Viagra, Wears Sweatpants for TSA Pat Down”

  1. [...] NASHVILLE INT’L AIRPORT — A Wyoming man walked through a TSA checkpoint with a raging erection o… Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. ← Prev Got something to say? Go for it! [...]

  2. Pollux

    FUCK THE TSA AND FUCK THE NWO
    WAKE UP PEOPLE ITS ABOUT TIME

  3. [...] For anyone who has flown commercial lately: TSA Revenge! Man Takes Viagra, Wears Sweatpants for TSA Pat Down | The Washington Fancy [...]

  4. DOM

    Try picked eggs and beer 30 minutes prior to TAS….will clear the area in no time flat!

    • weaselboy77

      I do the gas-out thing every time. Fnck ‘em, the overbearing bastards.
      They actually grin (sometimes) when they know they are inflicting discomfort on obviously harmless people.

  5. Coal Train Fusion

    They need to ban people carrying penis’s onto airplanes. it could be a very dangerous weapon when stimulated. If that wicked monster in his pants got loose while in flight it would bring the plane down.

    I agree lets give him a HAND

    He suddenly lost his passion? What you only like little boys? How long have you been carrying that thing around.
    “That is awesome!!!!!!!” Said Nancy

    “What the story or his penis?” I asked.

    They need to ban people carrying penis’s onto airplanes. it could be a very dangerous weapon when stimulated. If that wicked monster in his pants got loose while in flight it would bring the plane down.

    The TSA agents took 1 look at his protruding appendage and and started crying for their mommies.

    TSA is a great place to work. Theirs always a big surprise in someones pants we create the ideal sexual experience for your working environment.
    Reply Delete

    As a TSA employee I can assure you I am always HARD when I work.

    I am also a TSA employee and I never get hard at work as a matter of fact I can never get hard again or grow hair, I am always focused on my job at the scanner
    Reply Delete

    Is that a baton in your pants or are you going to make me beat you?

    I would have called TSA SWAT team and given him a good spanking.

  6. Nais

    “I’m going home to take a shower and make love to my wife,” said Allbright

    DAMN RIGHT! lolz

  7. Jimmy

    hahahahahahahaha

  8. Amazing Post!…

    Thanks a lot for this amazing post. Really amazing!…

  9. Cool…

    Enthusiasm is excitement with inspiration, motivation, and a pinch of creativity…

  10. 13

    Maybe there were snakes & turtles in the sweatpants…

  11. Anonymous

    Janet Napolitano admits her TSA agents are sexually assaulting citizens with her use of the word “fondled”.

    Guess how many of the “mainstream” media outlets will quote her?

  12. Anonymous

    he was carrying a dozen donuts and two cups of coffee.

  13. awesome

    Awesome we need more of this, It would eliminate this TSA maggot infestation problem.

    Weed out the pest!

  14. Jon P

    so, let me get this right, the guy obviously did this as a show of defiance against the TSA and guess what, he won. I think Alex Jones’s comment on July 20th to para phrase “when they know you like it they(tsa) don’t like it” ha ha, go go go Warren Kelvin! :-)

  15. ROBERT Del Nero

    how damn twisted or perverted do you have to be to work for the TSA feeling everybody up? Did Warren need to go to the hospital? because 2 viagra gotta last longer than 4 hours. Looks like The TSA is going to turn the other cheek and run away! Thanks Viagra!

  16. Mike S

    He “lost his passion for touching strangers”, sounds like a pretty weird guy to me.

    • ROBERT Del Nero

      The TSA is a great place to catch child molesters and perverts. Anyone that enjoys this work is sick and needs to be taken out of our society. I wonder if they practice on each other. I hope I do not have to go on a plane til they get rid of this scary bunch of pervs.

  17. Breetai

    The Onion has some stiff competition here ;)

    • Stvbrsn

      Very funny!

      But isn’t it also funny (or rather sad) how many comment posters don’t seem to realize this is a parody news story?

      DISCERNMENT, people!!!

  18. BTDT

    Sometimes, civil service doesn’t pay enough.

  19. JustJack

    Try going through the pat down when you are having a lot of flatulence. Flatulence stinky enough to offend yourself and see how many TSA Security Agents you can get to quit. Let’s make this a contest. I don’t know what to give a winner other then praise, but I bet a lot of people would enter the contest just to get their 15 minutes of fame.

    • DOM

      Try pickled eggs and beer 30 minutes prior to pat down. I know it works, cleared an airplane to depressurize on a flight from Boston to Bermuda!

  20. [...] and Viagra don't mix Man Takes Viagra, Wears Sweatpants for TSA Pat Down | The Washington Fancy I did a search for TSA and Viagra to ensure this hadn't been posted. Im sure someone has but I [...]

  21. Unfortunately, this can’t be true, because one man was already arrested for sexual harassment as a result of a TSA pat-down. A gay man became aroused during the feel down, asked them to stop, they did not, it continued until he climaxed, and the airport then had him arrested and charges pressed. And that was someone who was basically being molested by the airport at that point. If someone really tried a stunt like this they’d be slapped with charges so fast their head might get left behind.

  22. [...] Political crap here. Now this is an innovative way to deal with the security checkpoints… Man Takes Viagra, Wears Sweatpants for TSA Pat Down | The Washington Fancy ""A Wyoming man walked through a TSA checkpoint with a raging erection on Tuesday, daring TSA [...]

  23. [...] “I’m next,” Warren Kelvin, 34, screamed as he pushed to the front of the security line. According to TSA officials, Kelvin had ingested two Viagra and wore sweatpants without boxers for his Southwest flight from Nashville to Phoenix. “I thought he was carrying a baton in his pants,” said Amanda Watershed, second shift supervisor of the A Terminal at Nashville International Airport. “Nope… That was his penis.” Even though TSA officials allowed Kelvin to initially pass through security without the controversial pat down, the passenger on more than one occasion got back in line until he felt that he had been thoroughly inspected. Kelvin finally got the invasive pat down by 38-year-old officer Duncan Allbright after 80 minutes and four trips through security. “Even after we let him pass through he kept walking out of the terminal and getting back in line,” said Watershed. “Finally, Duncan had to bite the bullet for everyone and do a thorough screening of him in a private [security] room.” Allbright, a 14-year veteran of airport security, announced his retirement shortly after Kelvin boarded the plane. “I’m going home to take a shower and make love to my wife,” said Allbright as he got into his car. “This job isn’t for me. I’ve suddenly lost my passion for touching strangers.” U.S Homeland Security director Janet Napolitano dismissed concerns that more TSA officers would quit or that more travelers would take similar measures to get their “jollies”. “I am hoping this is an isolated incident. If flights were a lot cheaper, I could see more people doing this,” said Napolitano, “but with the cost of airplane fuel rising, I don’t think $560 roundtrip is a bargain price to get fondled.” Calls to TSA headquarters went unanswered, as everyone there is just exhausted. READ MORE [...]

  24. Darth Vicious

    At the end of the flight they used him to collect the headphones.

  25. [...] Even though TSA officials allowed Kelvin to initially pass through security without the controversial pat down, the passenger on more than one occasion got back in line until he felt that he had been thoroughly inspected. Kelvin finally got the invasive pat down by 38-year-old officer Duncan Allbright after 80 minutes and four trips through security.  Washington Fancy [...]

  26. [...] but crickets heard. It is enough to drive one to distraction. Or to bizarre behavior, as that evinced by Warren Kelvin, 34, who “had ingested two Viagra and wore sweatpants without boxers for his Southwest flight from [...]

  27. Mr Gordon

    It needs sheep and angry drunken midgets…then you’ll have a funny story.

    Especially the angry drunken midgets.

  28. Infidel

    FUNNY articles! needs more Dem bashing though! :P i think the funniest thing about this site are the people who don’t get that it’s satirical :S wow.. has our national I.Q. been lowered so much that people can’t tell the difference between satire and real news anymore? hey people! look down there ↓ at the disclaimer, “The Washington Fancy is a political, satirical publication that parodies the news and composes fictitious articles. No composition should be regarded as truthful,
    and no reference of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm.” but hey, guess that means you guys are doing a pretty good job.. keep it up!
    but with more Dem bashing ;)

  29. labman57

    Different strokes for different folks … as it were.

  30. strateshuter

    I don’t recall having to be microwaved or molested while Bush and Cheney were in office. The president doesn’t hold the purse, the house ways and means committee does. The economy started to collapse at the beginning of 2007, who, pray tell, was in charge of that committee at that time? Who dusted off and produced the TSA anyway??? Why it was Senate DEMOCRATS and a few RINO Repubs. Rodney…. get a brain!

  31. jeorge

    Beautiful! Now ladies, it’s time for strap-ons, people hiding dead cats, anything to create chaos of flight schedules, Keep walking round for a 3rd and fourth pat down.

  32. Rodney

    TSA, another Cheney/Bush legacy, like the economy.

    • joe blow

      Right, because the current administration has done so much to repeal these ridiculous measures that we ‘must’ take in airport screening. The pat downs and the image screenings started under the Obama administration. Get your head out of your rear. All politicians, on both sides of the aisle, are to blame for every mess.

  33. [...] Reports The Washington Fancy (your leading misleading source for politics): NASHVILLE INT’L AIRPORT — A Wyoming man walked through a TSA checkpoint with a raging erection on Tuesday, daring TSA officers and even fellow passengers to give him an invasive pat down. [...]

  34. [...] I love this!! Gentlemen, stopping the TSA patdowns may be "up" to you! Man Takes Viagra, Wears Sweatpants for TSA Pat Down | The Washington Fancy Questioning my sanity does not change my position. Texas Jack, TGT Reply With Quote [...]

  35. Allbright

    this is not fake news, you must have them confused with Fox. this is deathly, sadly true. there’s not a moment that goes by that I forget just how erect and invasive his man-junk was. it just kept growing…

  36. Allbright

    For those who claim this is a fake news site, u must have them confused with Fox. This is real. Realler than real. Or cant u handle the truth??

  37. seth

    This is sadly, a fake news site and a fake story…but still hilarious.

  38. [...] Man Takes Viagra, Wears Sweatpants for TSA Pat Down | The Washington Fancy Congratulations buddy!   [...]

  39. Ben

    WTF! is this true? I know people are saying this is a fake website, but my friend told me he heard this story earlier. Does anyone know the real deal?

  40. [...] // Sweatpants w/o underwear… $10 2 Viagra… $30 Getting a TSA Security Agent to quit… Priceless!!! Man Takes Viagra, Wears Sweatpants for TSA Pat Down | The Washington Fancy [...]

  41. Amanda Verlander

    It just appaws me that someone had “a passion to touch strangers.” I don’t understand where these sick delusional people come from, but it isn’t part of where I grew up.

    These monsters shouldn’t be allowed to have a job. 100 years ago, they would have been locked away, but nooooo…. we have to give them government jobs…. government pensions… government government government…

    Well, I applaud this man, Kevin, for standing up against this tyranny

  42. [...] was almost spilled coffee all over the keyboard and desk. This is a way to de-moralized the TSA. Man Takes Viagra, Wears Sweatpants for TSA Pat Down | The Washington Fancy Even though TSA officials allowed Kelvin to initially pass through security without the [...]

  43. Yoni

    Haha, anything with TSA is funny but this is hysterical.

  44. Boone

    You people do realize this is a fake news website don’t you?

  45. Cogito ergo sum

    This is satire, but hilarious nonetheless.

  46. Eddie

    I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING IN AMERICA. WHERE ARE THE MORALS… WHERE IS THE DECENCY!!!

  47. Good for him. Just like the woman in Nashville who had the guts to stand up for her rights — unlike most of the United Sheeple of America — and was arrested. Every act of resistance against this out-of-control agency that abuses people with impunity should be lauded. Janet Napolitano and John Pistole are sick, twisted criminals. They should be fired — after being forced to go through a few gropes themselves.

  48. FREE

    HAHAHA
    This is needed for the tsa thugs on a daily basis

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