BREAKING: Apple releases “iDrum” for tech savvy protesters on Wall Street
New York, NY – In yet another innovative move by Apple, newly appointed CEO Tim Cook, announced today that the company would be releasing a new product called the iDrum. This technologically advanced device was created by Apple engineers in just 2 weeks in response to the current protests happening in lower Manhattan. Reports of squatting hippies and drum circles running rampant in Zucotti Park over the past fortnight have garnered widespread media attention. Zucotti Park, located in the financial district in downtown New York, seems to be epicenter of protests linking the country’s economic situation to the heartless Manhattan bankers who caused it.
The iDrum, set to be released to the public alongside Apple’s new iPhone 5, has many unique features that Mr. Cook said will appeal to the protesters. “Not only does it have an automatic GPS tracking device that identifies coffee shops where overpriced cups of caramel macchiatos are poured by hipster baristas in suspenders, but it also blocks the consumer from trying to identify where the closest Starbucks is located— as Starbucks drinkers are not the demographic we are going after with this product. Additionally, it has a mechanical drum beat application that allows the user to just push a button and start a rhythm that sounds just like a drum circle. This allows protestors to efficiently update their blogs and create ambiguous signs without the bother of carrying around bongos or snare drums.”
When asked how the company was able to achieve such insightful knowledge regarding what features to include in the iDrum, Mr. Cook said it was due to the in-depth research performed with some of the first occupants of the protest. “First off, half of these people are college kids who have disposable income, like to stay technologically trendy, and have no idea what they are protesting. This lack of insight into the issues they are pretending to understand, combined with their inability to create a coherent message, allowed us to develop functions that would apply to their………cause. We also took notice of how many older citizens were participating in the protest, who seemingly want to do whatever they can to fit in with their younger counterparts. How can you assist these senior folks in trying to become more in tune with the 20-somethings of the world? Easy. Create a new technology that makes them seem cool if they have it.”
Matt Bennett, a 20-year old liberal arts student from Sarah Lawrence College, is very excited about the new iDrum. “Like, I am totally gonna buy one. I hear it’s even going to have a $10 iTunes credit built into the device that will allow all of us to download the new Bon Iver album. That’s like, really cool man.” When questioned about his take on the new “Buffet Rule,” a proposed tax hike on the ultra rich of the country, Mr. Bennett declined to comment stating he was only partaking in the protest for a day before heading back to school.
He then ran over to the nearest Bank of America ATM to take out money, updated his Facebook status (the same Facebook who received $500 Million in corporate funding from Goldman Sachs), and then turned on his laptop and logged into Pandora. Ironically enough, this is the same Pandora whose initial public stock offering in June was led by JP Morgan, Morgan Stanley and Citigroup.
By Lorenzo Rearden