Mr. Potato Head Lobbies Congress to Keep Potatoes In Schools
WASHINGTON – After an excruciating mash-up between the potato lobby and US Senators, a deal has finally been brokered to keep french fries on school lunch menus, thanks in large part to the star witness: Mr. Potato Head.
It all started a week ago when several U.S. Senators proposed regulations that would cut back starchy foods from school lunches. The new regulations would cut back, not only potatoes, but corn, lima beans and peas as well.
However, before the potato Nazis in the Senate could pass the new regulations, the potato lobby came to the rescue. One lobbyist told The Washington Fancy, “If our fat little kids want to eat fatty, greasy food, that’s their right as Americans to do so. How dare the government try to run what our government run schools feed our kids. They’re just a bunch of socialists.”
The battle did not start out well for the potato lobby. Hundreds of scientists and nutritionists were brought in to testify against the unhealthiness of the potatoes. Meanwhile, the only witness who the potato lobby managed to recruit – Jon Heder from Napoleon Dynamite – kept saying that schools “shouldn’t get rid of my tots, man.”
Finally, on the last day, Mr. Potato Head agreed to speak for the potato lobby. Wearing his Sunday best, he sat in the front of the hearing room and gave a very eloquent speech about why the government needs to keep potatoes in schools.
Mr. Potato Head went on to prove that all of his potato friends would be put out of their jobs if these regulations passed. He eventually won over the committee with his closing argument, “In today’s economy, we do not need more unemployment. This is not about the health of American kids. This is about not giving up our potato jobs to a bunch of fruits.” Apparently, Mr. Potato Head is also homophobic.
By Kenny Heidt