Sec. of Education Arne Duncan to Redraw World Maps
PRESS CONFERENCE, 10/20/11
Arne Duncan: “In recent years, evidence has shown that the average American’s grasp on world geography is at an all time, embarrassing low. Michele Bachmann’s most recent gaffe – that Libya is, in fact, not part of Africa – has finally convinced me that something drastic must be done.”
Next month, all atlases, maps, and geography books published in America will be edited and simplified until they reflect exactly what the average American believes to be the geography of the world.
For starters, the country above the United States will be referred to as “That Place Justin Bieber Is From,” while the southern area will be known as “Hispanic America.”
All of South America will henceforth become a single country known as “Mexico.”
Europe will be split into three vaguely defined regions known as “England, Paris, and GerSpainTaly.” The locations of these three countries may appear differently in any given textbook.
Every formerly European country east of GerSpainTaly (or maybe Paris?) will be erased and replaced with a large picture of Mila Kunis, since she is probably the only person most Americans recognize from this region.
The volatile Middle East will be drawn over with different street signs such as “Caution,” “Do Not Enter,” “No Outlet,” and “Slippery When Wet.” For clarification, a small “Wild Animal Crossing” sign of a deer wearing a yarmulke will be placed over Israel.
Asian countries west of China will from now on be clumped together under the heading “Somethingstan” while India will be renamed “Tech Help Land.” The remaining land in Asia will be incorporated into China, which will be renamed “The Democratic Republic of China That Loves Freedom” to keep nervous Americans calm.
Japan can retain its name, but will be redrawn where most people imagine it lurks: a few inches off the coast of California.
All African countries will be disbanded, so that the entire continent can be referred to as “That Place I Was Going to Send 25 Cents To, To Help a Starving Child, But It’s Just Been a Really Busy Week, and I Definitely Support Ending the Genocide, If That’s Still Happening, But I Just Have to Go to the Gym Right Now, So We’ll Talk About This Later?” or just “Africa” for short.
Australia and New Zealand will be renamed “Steve Irwinland” because, seriously, who will ever be as cool as the Crocodile Hunter?
The South Pole may or may not be included, since nobody really cares about it, but the North Pole will remain the same – surprisingly, every American appears to know exactly where this is.
Any various islands in any part of the world will be erased, unless they are well-known celebrity tourist destinations.
Airlines, cruise companies, and the rest of the world have been notified accordingly.
Finally, Google has agreed to change its online map, in exchange for the credit card information and voting history of every American, and a shoe-in candidate for the next election.”
By Delia Hersh