Bachmann Blasts Wikipedia and Google for Reporting Too Much Fact, Too Little Political Rhetoric

"How can I help to create jobs and stimulate the economy if Google and Wikipedia make it HARDER for me to run for office? Where are THEIR American values?"

WATERLOO, MN — Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann labeled popular websites such as Google and Wikipedia as being pawns in President Obama’s grand scheme for “turning our country into a nation of slaves.”

In a recent address to her Tea Party supporters, Bachmann stated that “our nation has been focusing far too much on fact, basically ignoring my fiery rhetoric and fierce looks. Sites like Google and Wikipedia have made it far too easy to fact-check and it simply is not fair.”

She added, “How can anyone trust a politician when they can so readily find out when she is lying or confused?” In the scenario illustrated by Ms. Bachmann, the distrust would trickle down from the politicians at the top of the public sector through the private sector, eliminating investor confidence and killing jobs.

Instead of verifiable facts, Ms. Bachmann told The Washington Fancy that the nation’s attention should be focused on three key factors when considering her candidacy for President:

“Number one: I am a serious woman running for president, and no matter how much it appears that I am anti-women’s rights by supporting a ban on abortion even in the case of rape or incest….I’m not…you’re all just confused. More importantly, I am a woman running against a black man, and last time that happened, the black man won (that is, if you consider Hillary Clinton a woman). One might say it’s time for a woman to lead – although I wouldn’t, because anything other than a patriarchal society is banned in the Bible and belongs to the realm of the Devil.

Number two: I am pretty hot for a mom of 28; I would be nicer to look at in the White House than ever-graying Obama. I mean, at this point, if he grew a beard we could call him President Dumbledore – although I wouldn’t, because Harry Potter supports witchcraft, which belongs to the realm of the Devil.

Number three: I am not away on jury duty and unavailable for comment, so I’m the de facto Tea Party figurehead, although I wouldn’t call myself that. A figurehead may sound like an idol to some people, which belongs to the realm of the Devil – along with stimulus packages, evolution, solar power, gay marriage, federal mandates, Mormons, climate science, and the minimum wage.”

Currently, the Bachmann camp is distributing top-of-the-line software that blocks facts from appearing on the Internet. Insiders agree that if more than 1 million copies are distributed nationwide, she will replace Mitt Romney as the Republican front runner.

By Anderson Pooper