Dung Beetle Predicts Romney Will Be GOP Pick; Obama Wins Overall
SAN ANTONIO — In an attempt to predict the results of the upcoming election, a group of scientists at the William Testing Foundation embarked on a complex experiment involving the dung beetle. The beetle has shown a remarkable ability to determine the outcome of particular events including earthquakes, stock market swings, and, most recently, the results of the GOP chase to the White House.
In a double blind study of dung beetles associated with candidates, former Governor Mitt Romney’s dung beetle gathered and rolled the largest dung ball out of the bunch. Not surprisingly, almost all the other contestants stole dung from Ron Paul’s beetle, and Governor Perry’s beetle put up a great fight after almost stealing Herman Cain’s dung ball.
In the GOP race test, the scientists in the lab matched beetles to GOP candidates and set them loose in dung. The beetle that gathered the most dung into a ball and rolled it across the finish line won.
A spokesman from the Dung Beetle Prediction Lab stated that “there are several species of the dung beetle, and all received a sacred status among ancient Egyptians. The beetles’ predictive capabilities are unmatched, and they take on the spirit of those they are named after.”
According to a dung beetle expert at the William Testing Foundation, “dung beetles are just like politicians; they are insects who fight over dung. The competition usually starts with one appearing to help the other roll the dung ball, and then it ends as he steals the mother load. He never gives credit where credit is due.”
Since the ancient belief that all dung beetles are male still prevails, Michele Bachmann never even had a chance to compete. Newt Gingrich’s beetle showed great potential in the beginning, but he quit early in the race to admire the work of everyone else. Although he showed apparent efforts to implement a plan, Gingrich’s beetle lacked the skills for cooperation.
In a follow-up contest between President Obama’s beetle and Governor Romney’s beetle, Obama’s dung beetle prevailed. Scientists claimed that the Obama beetle “stood idly as he waited for Romney’s beetle to do all the work. Then, at the very last minute, he stole the dung ball and won.”
A previously unknown dung beetle expert and novice political advisor for the Libertarian Party compared it to Obama stealing Romney’s healthcare plan and spreading it from Massachusetts all across the entire nation like a weapon of health dung destruction, or WHDD in dung beetle warfare terms.
Overall, dung beetle predictions have been more accurate than similar tests with octopi and polar bear cubs. Only time will tell the pure accuracy of these assessments, but the electorate can be assured that the dung will be widespread. Everyone should remember that dung rolls best when it is rolled down hill.
By Jahs Greene