Mississippi Declares That ‘Life’ Begins When Two People First Think of Procreating
JACKSON – The capital of Mississippi has become the rallying point of an emergent and energized national movement to restrict access to abortions. Born out of a drive to pass ‘person-hood laws,’ which declare that life officially begins at conception, Mississippi has passed a law declaring that, for legal purposes, life begins when two people first have the idea to procreate.
Though the state’s laws already place some of the most strict limits and regulations on abortion access, grassroots activists have pushed their goals even further. So-called ‘person-hood’ legislation is a recent phenomenon, and it is being pursued by anti-abortion forces attempting to work their way around current laws and court decisions which have established a woman’s right to seek an abortion. Several other states are considering such legislation which, if passed, would not only make abortions de facto illegal, but would also outlaw several methods of birth control such as the “morning-after pill.”
Mississippi lawmaker Conception Haymaker, who sponsored the measure that has come to be known as the “Sparkle Law,” said that the legislation was motivated by not wanting to be outdone by other states. “We down here in Mississippi don’t do things in half-measures,” Haymaker said. “We’re going to ban every abortion, pill, and condom. As the good book says, ‘If a sperm be wastedith, Jehovah becomes quite irate.’”
The punishments in the law are, in the spirit of the legislation, rather unorthodox. Couples caught using birth control will be forced to attempt conception again, sans protection. Bartenders will be specially empowered to ensure that those staring longingly at each other from across a crowded room go home together – a measure which was added in order to gain the support of lawmakers who are members of the critical swing voting block dubbed “the swinging voting block.”
There has been little local opposition to the legislation. While similar measures in other states have been denounced by local scientific communities, it appears that there are no longer any scientists living in Mississippi. According to officials at the University of Mississippi, their entire biology and anthropology departments left after state legislators passed a resolution declaring the earth was only 2,000 years old.
Grassroots activists who pushed for the passage of the bill are now expected to turn their attention towards homosexuals. Though same-sex marriage is already outlawed in Mississippi, some wish to pass further laws that would make the attendance of more than one Lady Gaga concert a year by men illegal.
By David Epstein