Goodbye Pantsuit: Hillary Clinton Is Top Democrat “Poll-Dancer”
LAS VEGAS— People want excitement and can’t help but wonder what would happen if Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ran for president again. In a recent poll by Once In A Lifetime Magazine, Hillary put away her pantsuit and danced her way to the top against all the current GOP front-runners.
The contest winners were determined by the percentage of tips each candidate received from randomly picked potential 2012 voters in a single elimination tournament. Pitted against the top three Republican candidates, Hillary had to win every competition – or else it was all over for her.
In a marathon competition, not unlike a political campaign, Madame Secretary showed true grit and resilience. The build up to this once in a lifetime pay-per-view event had all the drama and suspense one would expect.
“That is one crazy b*tch!” remarked a lucky potential voter at the event. “I don’t even recognize her without her pantsuit. Lookout, America!”
The competition began with a one-on-one “poll-dancing” contest against Mitt Romney at the Pussycat Lounge in Las Vegas. Dressed in a risqué outfit, Hillary twisted with the finesse that only a seasoned diplomat with international experience could pull off. Mitt’s tie got in the way of his attempts, and he choked at the end. Hillary received 55% of the tips compared to Mitt’s meager 38%.
“She spins the spins better than Obama,” commented Mitt. “Good thing she isn’t spinning for President.”
Following her triumphant victory, Hillary headed into the next match against Rick Perry in her second outfit of the night. Texas’ second or third most favorite son and current governor made the fatal mistake of wearing cowboy boots, which prevented him from spurring his way to the top of the “poll.” Once again, the former first lady took this cowboy to the mat with 58% of the tips hanging out of her brassiere and panties. Rick had only 32% in his boots.
“I never claimed I could dance,” admitted Perry after his embarrassing defeat. He sulked to the dressing room bowlegged with raspberries on the inside of both thighs.
Herman Cain walked on stage doing his best imitation of Apollo Creed and sporting red, while, and blue short-shorts and matching top hat. “Those shorts make him look like a member of the 1965 Harlem Globetrotters!” quipped a potential voter.
Hillary reappeared in her own “Daisy Dukes,” and the voters cheered like Rocky Balboa was about to pull another upset. While twisting and turning, Herman put up a good fight, but in the end, Hillary did things to that “poll” that people can’t talk about, and children should never see. However, the results were close as Hillary received 49% of tips to Herman’s 37%.
When it was all finished, Herman smiled at the crowd and said, “That was fun, but who do you really want delivering the pizza when the call is made? Someone with experience or someone with none?”
By Jahs Greene