Herman Cain Refutes Allegations with Erotic Novel
ATLANTA—Herman Cain, under fire over past allegations of sexual harassment, announced today that he is refuting the claims with an erotic novel that presents a hypothetical scenario of the incidents in question.
The novel, titled Temptation Pizza, describes in vivid detail the confrontations that the GOP Presidential candidate and former Godfather’s Pizza CEO says “totally did not happen.”
“I wrote this juicy, salacious book to prove my innocence,” Cain said at a press conference in Georgia, his home state. “This steamy page-turner includes lots of unwanted and unsolicited heavy petting and titillating come-ons. It will, with out a doubt, clear my name and lay this controversy to rest.”
Cain said he’s been working on the book since the allegations were first made in the 1990s. Writing about the claims gave him a chance to reflect on the situation and how “untrue” the accusations were.
“I have never grabbed female Godfather’s Pizza employees from behind and slowly whispered Barry White lyrics in their ears,” Cain said. “I have never given a female employee an unwanted massage. Slowly running my hands over her tender shoulders while nuzzling her neck? Never happened.”
Cain, adamant about the falsity of the claims, read directly from the novel at a press conference. The audience, predominately middle aged and elderly conservatives, had mixed reactions to the reading. Catherine Hopkins, a 72-year old grandmother of five, said the book served its purpose well.
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