Mitt Romney Fundraises Just Enough Money to Lose in Style
WASHINGTON—Although Mitt Romney trails some of his fellow running mates in the early polls for the 2012 presidential election, he has raised millions more than they have in his fundraising efforts, proving to his donors that he is not above wasting their money to lose in style.
“Romney has raised a significant amount of money for his campaign, only trailing President Obama, who has the entire DNC at his disposal,” said Washington Fancy reporter Eli Grove. “One thing Obama doesn’t have, though, is a private masseuse who gives him a massage every time a poll shows he’s in second place. Mitt Romney does.”
This presidential election is the first one where all candidates have shown a desire to primarily raise funds either from smaller donors, or those individuals who contribute a maximum of $250. Mitt Romney has followed this strategy by allowing individuals to give money through his website, “MittSecondPlace.com.”
Thanks to Hank Strahm, Romney was able to buy a refurbished Xbox360 for his limo. With Jane Thompson’s donation, the Romney campaign got an extra ticket to the premiere of the last Harry Potter film.”
“Romney’s campaign strategy has been phenomenal,” said Grove. “He has raised more money than his competitors, hired James Cameron to direct his political ads, and bought an adorable dancing monkey that eats donors’ dollar bills in front of them, all while trailing in the polls!”
Even with low numbers, Romney has not once let his slipping popularity affect his positive demeanor. “Whether I’m winning or losing, all that matters is that my devoted donors keep giving me money so I can continue to look like a Muppet car salesman.”
Michele Bachmann reacted to the fundraising reports and Romney’s success by noting that, while dancing monkeys are, in fact, adorable, they are not present in the Constitution and, therefore, should not be a part of campaigning. She made sure to include, however, that getting money from corporations and large influential groups is very much constitutional.
By Chris Todd