Cain Lynched by Manipulative, High-Tech Blondes
WASHINGTON – Herman Cain is recovering at Children’s Hospital tonight after surviving a hi-tech lynching. He was found hanging from a highly technical web of blonde hair until eventually a staffmember cut him down. Sources confirm that his injuries – bruising and chaffing along the neck and poll numbers – were sustained by a rope made from blonde fibers.
It appears that Cain’s appeals to the media of a bigoted group plotting against him were proven true: blonde bigots. Blondes are a notoriously ruthless band of women known for provoking unwanted advances. DC Police and the FBI are cracking down on any blondes that might have been behind this violence, though Cain’s wife is also being held for questioning. Any blondes found using a cellphone, computer, or holding a press conference will be held for questioning. Already, five women are under investigation after taking credit for the attack in which they claim to have “been the victims.”
Fox News, known for its intrepid reporting, along with Rush Limbaugh, the voice of moral conservatism, have been relentless in their search for additional culprits, so as to “find and disgrace them.” At his syndicated radio show, Limbaugh was distraught after hearing the news. “How dare they? Who could do that to this great man? I mean, it’d be different if the allegations were true, but to make up all these lies just to hang a man for being black and conservative? Unforgivable.”
Ann Coulter was also distraught at such a racially-charged crime as lynching. “It’s only forgivable when we do it, because our blacks are so much better than theirs. All two of them. But lynching Cain? When will those blonde bimbos stop? When will it end?” Cain’s campaign manager Mark Block is not quite sure when it will end, as it seems sexual favors were a legally-binding precondition written into the contracts of all newly hired blondes. At the end of each contract, Cain had written, “You want a job, don’tcha?”
Despite these distractions, people are shocked and outraged by the vicious attack on Cain. Sources close to his campaign describe the harrowing events that led to Cain’s injuries. Forensic doctors at Children’s Hospital believe Cain’s wounds to be the result of “extensive papercuts” from what appears to be a “very sharp race card.”
Interns at Cain headquarters allege that Mr. Cain had been spending increasing amounts of time playing high-stakes poker. Apparently, at these all-or-nothing events, Cain played the race card so often that he suffered grave papercut injuries. Then the race card reportedly jumped onto Cain’s face, blinding him from facts and causing further lacerations as he struggled to pull that wild card from his face. It was shortly afterward that investigators believe Cain’s attempted lynching occurred.
Cain’s campaign, headed by Block, retaliated against this “attack of the bigoted blondes” by launching an ad comparing Cain’s racially-motivated lynching to that suffered by fellow conservative Justice Clarence Thomas. It seems that no one explained to Cain’s campaign that the charges leveled against Thomas were later found to be true; or the fact that 46 House members have called for the impeachment of Thomas, and an FBI probe for bribery regarding more than $1.6 million in gifts. As of this writing, Judge Thomas has not left Cain’s bedside, even during sponge baths.
The “Hermanator” is said to be in stable condition, though under heavy sedation. This afternoon, Cain told a passing nurse that “beneath this black walnut, there’s a blonde bimbo inside, just waiting to get out. Wouldn’t I make a pretty blonde? That’s what Giuliani’s always telling me. You have really nice breasts. I’d like to meet the president of Uzebekibekibekistan, I bet his wife looks like honey on a Herman afternoon. Now give this black walnut a spongebath. Come back! You want a job, don’tcha?”
Cain’s lawyers from the offices of Dirty, Old and Mann continue to advise him to plead blonde. This strategy has worked so far, as Cain has held countless press conferences claiming not to remember people, places, things, apples, oranges, settlements and especially blondes. Police caution all citizens to remain alert for signs of unruly blondes with their high-tech violence. Homeland Security has issued a warning; “If you spot one, do not confront these blondes alone, as they are attractive and dangerous.”