Bachmann Claims “Porn Makes Kids Go Blind,” Promises a Ban
Bachmann's anti-pornography pledge has already received condemnation from Washington liberals, who call for "freedom of the press."
NEWTON, IOWA—Looking to make waves in the Iowa polls, presidential candidate Michele Bachmann introduced a plan to ban any adult-themed bookstores from locating within 5,000 feet of any federally funded road.
In light of the allegations brought against Republican contender Herman Cain, Bachmann has redoubled her efforts to protect American children from shameful, degrading, non-Christian merchandise.
“As I traversed this state on I-80,” recounted Bachmann, “I have noticed the abundance of sordid bookstores, and I am shocked to see that they line the roads which the federal government pays for. I will not let federal dollars go to use to ferry smut-seekers between their homes and these utterly un-American businesses,” Bachmann promised.
As she explained her plan outside a “Lion’s Den” in Newtown, Iowa, Bachmann was joined by about 200 supporters carrying signs emblazoned with sayings such as “No Tax Dollars for Diddlers,” and were chanting “Porn Makes Kids Go Blind.” The protest in Newton is the first in what Bachmann plans to be a series of protests aimed at restoring America’s family values.
On the sidewalk in front of the store, 87-year-old Geoff Emerson said he “didn’t even know the store existed” until reading about the protest plans in a newspaper. “I just always thought it was some sort of animal refuge, kind of like the ones that nut job in Ohio who had all those lions ran,” he said.
Rev. Anthony Galban of Newton Evangelical Church of the Lord joined Bachmann on stage, urging protesters to wage a battle against “forces of evil more destructive than any Islamic bombs or even Obama’s domestic policies.”
“Representative Bachmann has always been on the forefront of the fight against terrorism,” he said. “And the real terrorism in our society is from these stores that rip apart our most precious American resource: the family!”
Viewing the protest from her darkened (but illuminated by the neon ceiling) store, Lions Den manager Holly Snapps, stood defiant.
“I don’t see anything un-American about running a business like mine,” she said. “Does [Bachmann] realize that Iowa’s adult bookstores are a large percent of the tax base for many of these rural towns? The truth is I should thank her for coming down today; 10 AM on a weekday is usually dead time, but this free advertising has really helped sales.”
Customers of the store were equally unmoved. As he left with a few adult magazines and a deck of Colt Hairy-Chested Men playing cards purchased “as a joke,” local Johnny Wayne Daltrey had words for all other candidates. “I am just sick of candidates that use this family values crap to make a name for themselves in Iowa. What’s next? Is Rick Santorum going to jump on this and ban Kum-and-Gos from locating near a highway just because the name makes a 14-year-old giggle?”
When asked what potential candidate he supported, Daltrey added, “I like my presidents just like my Starbucks order: tall, black, and strong.”
By Constable Perkins
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Posted by Constable Perkins
on Nov 14 2011. Filed under Headlines.
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