PA Judge Gets 28 Years for ‘Kids for Cash’ Scandal, Will Start ‘Kids for Cigarettes’
SCRANTON—Former judge Mark Ciavarella Jr. was sentenced to 28 years in jail today after being convicted of accepting bribes to put juveniles behind bars. Now that he is going to jail, he will be looking for different ways to profit, which include selling kids to other inmates in exchange for cigarettes.
“I’m a business man stuck in a corrupt judge’s body,” said Ciavarella Jr. “It’s simple supply and demand. I still have my supply of kids, and I demand I be given 7 cigarettes per kid.”
The details of the new program are vague and secretive. It is unclear how the former judge has access to kids, how the prison security is allowing the kids’ entry, and why the prisoners would even want these children.
The Washington Fancy polled several inmates about whether or not they would purchase a child for 7 cigarettes. Of the respondents, 15% said they would buy a kid, just to see the innocence in their eyes before stabbing Ciavarella Jr. and stealing back their cigarettes. 10% said that they would rather spend their cigarettes elsewhere, like towards paying to avoiding getting beat up during lunch. 75% kindly asked the Washington Fancy pollster to shove the question up our a**.
One inmate already has plans for his pre-ordered juvenile. “I plan on putting my kid under my blanket so it looks like I’m sleeping. Then, I’ll sneak out and beat that judge with a pillow case full of bars of soap for thinking it’s okay to deal children.”
By Chris Todd
Photo courtesy of Castle Rock Entertainment