Boehner Furious After S&P Downgrades Quality of His Tan
NEW YORK—After a controversial downgrade of the United States debt from AAA to AA+ this past August, the S&P announced it has officially downgraded Speaker of the House John Boehner’s tan quality from SB (Supremely Bronze) to AAT (Above Average Tan). Specific details regarding this decision continue to emerge, but it has been established that the Speaker is highly disappointed.
In a short conference call this morning while waiting for a stand-up booth at the Ultimate Exposure tanning salon on Massachusetts Ave., Mr. Boehner released the following statement: “This is just completely irrational. Does S&P realize how busy I have been over the past 3 weeks trying to broker this deficit deal? Do they realize that I am trying to not only please the constituents of my own party, but also trying to satisfy the spending demands of others? When the hell did they expect me to get into the tanning booth or spend a quick hour sunbathing at the pool?”
The Speaker has long prided himself on maintaining a skin tone of only the finest sun-drenched superiority, and this decision by S&P seems to really have taken its toll on his demeanor. He continued on to blast the conclusion drawn by the much-maligned ratings agency, and even questioned the manner in which they decided their ratings.
“Let’s be honest, there is no quantitative methodology that S&P has in place that was able to definitively determine that my epidermal brilliance is anything but top notch. We made it known after S&P downgraded the U.S. debt rating, they very well could have made a miscalculation of $2 trillion – and I’m supposed to believe that a similar analytical blunder didn’t occur in my situation. WTF?”
Standard & Poors is once again being forced to defend itself after its parent group, the New York-based McGraw Hill Cos., was questioned by analysts and institutions all over the world after misinterpreting the riskiness of many debt-back securities that caused the financial crisis of 2008 and 2009.
David Beers, S&P’s global head of sovereign ratings, had this to say after defending his company’s stance on the US debt downgrade: “Just as we no longer feel 100% comfortable in the ability of the United States to repay its long term debt obligations in full, we no longer feel comfortable in Speaker Boehner’s ability to maintain an investment-grade tan year round. For a very long period of time, Mr. Boehner never gave us any doubt about his aptitude for tan skin and bronzed features; but after a thorough and complete analysis of his schedule in the coming months, we have concluded that there is a systemic risk regarding his ability to keep up a Supremely Bronze exterior. And with that, we feel it is our duty to not only the American people, but to the Global markets, to downgrade him to AAT.”
In light of the fact that Speaker Boehner’s tan has officially been downgraded, market pundits are now on complexion watch for the downgrades of other well-known Americans; including: George Hamilton, the cast of Jersey Shore, and that new marketing chick in your office.
By Lorenzo Rearden