Rockefeller Tree Gets Lit, Endorses Log Cabin Candidates, Blasts Barney Frank
NEW YORK — In “the city so nice, they occupied it thrice”, a yearly holiday tradition recently drew controversy upon the presidential race. In an inebriated state, the recently lit Christmas tree at Rockefeller Plaza endorsed “Log Cabin” Republican Candidates.
Naming Senator Susan Collins, Representative Richard Hanna, and Representative Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, the Christmas tree endorsed all three of them for president.
“The tree had been plugged in the previous night; we are not sure what caused it to get so lit. We only put the traditional water and sugar mixture in the tree stand, to keep it lively,” said Kermit Lang, Vice-assistant to Rockefeller Tree Supervisory committee, to the press yesterday. “Someone else put the Fuzzy Navel in there.”
Hoping to get a good photo-op, ice skaters and the throngs of seasonal tourists were very surprised when the tree, speaking through the square’s AV system, came alive and tipped its brightly lit star or “tiara” atop its point. The shocked crowd of mostly out-of-towners listened as it began to rant. The Youtube videos have been going viral.
According to The Fancy’s NYC correspondent Jan Miller-Farmer, the tree — who apparently wants to be known as “Thee Tree” — started his speech with a nod to frosty the snowman. “There must have been some magic in that Ol’ Silk Hat…or my stand is full of Peach Schnapps, yummy!” the tree commented. The next 15 minutes were full of shout outs to friends around town, including “those Douglas Fir bitches at Macy’s” and “the shiny dressed up ones down in the village, even if they are all plastic.” The real heat came when the politics began.
As the news tickers around the Centre began reporting on Herman Cain’s campaign suspension, “Thee Tree” began naming all the openly gay, or “Log Cabin” Republicans. He cited them as “purrr-fect” replacements for “The Real Housewife Groper of Atlanta” otherwise known as Herman Cain.
“These Log Cabin Candidates – Susan Collins, Richard Hanna, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen – are a few gals and guys I could really….wait for it… get behind!” Thee Tree announced to a raucous cheer. “Not only are they examples of rugged individualism, but they are smartly dressed. That Barney Skank queen, is a disgrace; I mean, a gay man should know how to tie a tie, and stop wearing patterned ties with plaid shirts, and those elbow pads on the blazers, really?”
“I was cracking up the whole time,” Martha MacFly of Teaneck, NJ told Miller-Farmer. “Especially when he called the few OWS kids with dreadlocks ‘trust-a-farians’… they had no idea what that meant.”
Nearby NBC Store is now selling THEE TREE SPEAKS T-shirts and the Manhattan Fuzzy Navel took cocktailing by storm this season. The traditional drink simply calls for peach schnapps and orange juice, now being served with a touch of gin, to achieve that piney-juniper Christmas tree touch. It’s a “Rockefuzzy Navel.”
By Shaun P Kunz