Responding to Rick Perry Video, Jesus Comes Out of the Closet
By Delia Hersh
SAN FRANCISCO—In a shocking turn of events, Jesus Christ returned to earth this Friday to come out to his followers as a homosexual.
Masses who thronged San Fransisco’s Golden Gate Bridge to witness the first words of the Second Coming were rewarded with only a few terse words from the Lord’s Son before he quickly returned to Heaven.
“After viewing Rick Perry’s most recent Youtube video “Strong,” I couldn’t bear to stay in Heaven any longer,” Christ explained to the gathered crowd. “I’ve never seen him in church so I don’t know who he is, but let me set the record straight: I’m gay. So everybody calm down.”
Everybody did not calm down, but when the noise quieted, Christ’s last words could be heard; “…and I don’t know why everyone got so distracted by Mary Magdalene. She was just some whore my dad tried to set me up with. Seriously, I ran around half-naked with twelve sweaty guys all the time, how can you possibly be this surprised?”
Following on the heels of Jesus’ abrupt appearance and disappearance, the Lord Almighty released this statement unto the press so as to guide His people:
Look, when I was writing the Bible, I was under a lot of pressure from my editor – my deadline was right around the corner, and I was way below word-count, so I just threw in that bit about “man lying with men as he would with a woman” as filler. In retrospect, maybe not the smartest decision I’ve made since creating mosquitoes…I haven’t had a lot of time lately, but let me just take a moment to clarify: I have no problem with homosexuals. The upcoming edition of the Bible, available exclusively on GoogleBooks, will clarify this.
As homosexual couples around the nation begin extended celebration, Bible-thumping conservatives have been forced to take a long, hard look at what they preach. “It appears I’ve been in the wrong,” Michele Bachmann stated earlier today to this reporter. “If homosexuals want to be just as miserably married as the rest of us, it’s God’s will.”
Others, such as Rick Perry, appear to be denying ever having had a vendetta against gays to begin with. “This is what I’ve been saying all along,” Perry declared, arm around his new Latin lover, Jose. “The love between a man and a man or a woman and a woman made America strong. And it can make her strong again. Time to find out what this Glee thing is all about.”