Obama Laments Over Tear in Nation’s Moral Fabric
"I don't care how many hours it takes me and my boytoy, we're going to fix that tear. It really needed a touch-up anyway." - NPH
WASHINGTON–President Obama plans to address the nation today in light of recent reports that a large tear has been found at the inseam of the United States’ moral fabric.
A source close to the matter has narrowed down the causes of such a tear to wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, gluttony, or the passage of a bill in New York this past Friday that legalized same-sex marriages throughout the state. “Marriage should be between a man and a woman, otherwise it’s just plain gay,” New Jersey’s Governor Chris Christie said. “Now the gays have gone and ruined marriage and our finest fabric! What else is new?”
However, many homosexuals refused to accept these fiery thrusts of rhetoric. Doctor-turned-dandy Neil Patrick Harris responded, “I speak for all gay men when I say that I am appalled at Governor Christie’s remarks earlier today. No homosexual male would ever ruin a fine fabric. Besides, moral fabric was sooo 2001. Now it’s just tacky. America needs a ‘loud’ fabric, something that really ‘pops.’”
When asked if another sin such as wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, or gluttony could have caused the moral fabric tear, Governor Christie quickly retorted, “No. None of those things are really an issue in America today. And I know I asked you this already, but are you gonna finish that Whopper? Anyway, it’s not like you see something as ludicrous as ‘lust’ becoming an issue. I mean, have you ever heard about someone who violated the sanctity of marriage to commit an act of infidelity? That’s crazy talk.”
Sources from the White House indicate that it will take the Secretary of Textiles Julia Marsh three weeks to completely mend the split in our nation’s moral fabric. Obama staffer George Schmidt claimed that the Secretary’s cleaning lady Consuela could have mended such a snag in a few days, but she was fired after getting caught stealing two necklaces and a gold watch from Secretary Marsh’s apartment. Said Marsh, “It’s really a shame. She cleaned, did the wash, ironed… it’s so hard to find good help these days.”
By Michael Kandel
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Posted by admin
on Dec 13 2011. Filed under Off The Hill.
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