Obama Unveils CGI Economy to Generate Appearance of Wealth; Michael Bay to Direct
"Yes, perfect, a little more light on the water park and mega-mall, a little less on the crumbling buildings and gloomy people."
By Pat Chillé
WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the country’s stagnant job market, President Obama announced a new plan this morning to simulate a healthy economy using CGI technology.
Speaking at a White House press conference, Obama said Transformers director Michael Bay would be using state-of-the-art computer graphics to create the appearance of economic prosperity.
According to White House sources, the project would involve installing large movie projectors in depressed areas such as downtown Detroit and pretty much everywhere else in the country. The machines will project computer-generated scenes of wealth and rejuvenation over abandoned buildings, foreclosed houses and poorly maintained infrastructure.
“Let’s face it, the economy’s not getting fixed anytime soon,” Obama said. “Why don’t we just pretend it’s good? And who better to give us a false sense of happiness than the director of such cinematic triumphs as Pearl Harbor and The Island?
A sample demonstrated at the press conference showed a “before” image of hundreds of people, many glancing ahead solemnly, others in tears, waiting in line at an unemployment office in Newark, New Jersey. The “after” image, however, replaced the glum scene with a more exciting alternative — dozens of young, attractive people, dressed in sexy swimwear, doing a cheerful, choreographed dance while waving American flags or sparklers. The young people were joined by two giant, colorful robots doing the popular “running man” dance.
In a statement released through his publicist, Bay said the project would bring to life his ideal vision of America.
“It’s all about the chicks, man” the award-winning auteur said in the statement. “Chicks, palm trees, car chases, unnecessary explosions, all kinds of summer stuff.”
Some Americans, however, were skeptical of the plan.
Ted Donovan, a 42-year old unemployed truck driver from Texas, said he and his family have been living on unemployment benefits for over two years.”I’m not sure how this helps me support a family of six,” Donovan said. “But giants robots are cool, I guess.”
Others, like Brett Cunningham, a University of Pennsylvania senior, were more enthusiastic. Cunningham said he wasn’t too concerned about graduating into a job market with a 10% unemployment rate.
“Bro, who cares? This is going to be sick,” he said. “First we killed Bin Laden, now we got car chases and chicks. America is BACK!”
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Posted by Pat Chillé
on Dec 16 2011. Filed under Administration.
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