Vladimir Putin Mistakes Latvia for Venerial Disease
By Peter Coburn
RIGA—On September 18th, Harmony Center, a left-wing, pro-Russian political party, took 31 seats in the Latvian parliament. This landmark election for Harmony Center marks the first time in 20 years where a pro-Russian party had any significant control over the country. News of the victory spread across the globe, triggering a rush to the Internet by people trying to learn what Latvia is.
“I instantly knew this was big news,” said American journalist, Rachel Maddow. “It just took me a few minutes to find it on a map, apparently it’s in Europe!”
In the minutes following the announcement, visits to the Latvian Wikipedia page soared to over five million hits as news hungry vultures learned about the country’s existence.
Vladimir Putin, Prime Minister of the Russian Federation, commented on the news. He said, “What happened? We have influence in Latvia? Is that some kind of venereal disease?”
The Washington Fancy attempted to travel to Latvia for a statement from Andris Bērziņš, President of Latvia, but GPS struggled to locate the country’s actual whereabouts.
Regarding the lack of knowledge of Latvia among United States citizens, Arne Duncan, Secretary of Education explained, “People in the U.S. usually only learn about foreign countries when we invade them – Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea, and whatever else. If we truly want to educate our citizens about Latvia, then we have to drop bombs on them. All of a sudden, thousands of “experts” will come out of the woodwork.”