New Study Suggests Biden Actually Exists

"Biden avoids most of the daylight hours," commented an anonymous staffer. "Yes, he exists, but he is convinced it is much better for him to remain out of the limelight."

By Delia Hersh

WASHINGTON—According to evidence not yet released, scientists at the independent research institute Hidin’ Biden have managed to prove conclusively that Biden does, in fact, exist.

“It’s been difficult, certainly,” stated a source, who preferred to remain anonymous.  “We nearly gave up after we lost sight of him for six months straight—but though we’re as of yet still uncertain on whether or not he’s spent any time in or near the Capital, we are absolutely positive that Joe Biden is as real as Obama’s birth certificate.”

The researchers faced many roadblocks along the way: from insufficient funds, condemnation by a furious Barack Obama, a complete dearth of eyewitnesses, to pressure from a rival institute. The opposition attempted to prove Biden’s nonexistence, successfully creating a CGI Biden indistinguishable from the “real” one. Research methods are still under ethical examination.

“The scientists tried to follow classic research techniques, such as penning letters and placing phone calls, but Biden never responded,” explained Bristol Palin, main financial backer of Hidin’ Biden.  “The president was equally useless, claiming that he ‘already has two kids and has better things to be doing than babysitting little Joe.’”