Al-Qaeda Detainee Commits Suicide After Being Forced to Listen to Ke$ha
By Theodore Lost
WASHINGTON—The U.S. Justice Department is looking into a complaint filed by Amnesty International after a suspected al-Qaeda operative killed himself while being detained on suspicion of money laundering. Abdul Hassiz-Shariff cut his wrists on a table edge after CIA operatives allegedly forced him to listen to two straight hours of the song “Tik Tok” by the musician Ke$ha.
“This is a whole new level of torture that violates the articles of the Geneva Convention,” said Amnesty spokesman Lyle Gynetti. “You have no idea how much worse her music is than waterboarding.”
David Brenner, an expert in government interrogations, has argued that music by Ke$ha is the “worst form of torture” that he’s ever witnessed. “From the conversations that I’ve had with former detainees, the music itself forces the listener’s brain cells to hang themselves,” said Brenner. “It also causes the eardrums to rupture and immediately floods the brain with thoughts of self-harm.”
Given that the CIA had taken significant criticism for its usage of waterboarding during the Bush Administration, the new Justice Department had urged a more subtle manner of creating discomfort for the detainee in an effort to extract valuable information. Unfortunately, this has backfired.
“We knew that Ke$ha’s music was bad, but we had no idea how effective it was,” said CIA spokesperson David Brenner. “Within five minutes, everyone usually cracks.”
It is suspected that Ke$ha’s music is responsible for the flurry of recent high-target killings of Osama Bin Laden and other top-level Al Qaeda officials like Anwar al-Awlaki. “Since her album Animal came out in January 2010, it’s been an invaluable tool in our interrogations. Within seconds of hearing the song “We R Who We R” detainees immediately tell us exactly what we need to know just so that we’ll turn the music off. You should see their faces after 30 seconds…”
But Amnesty International is concerned that individuals who are innocent of any crimes and have no knowledge of al-Qaeda or other terrorist organizations will likely suffer incalculable mental and physical damage due to their being subject to the artist’s “terrible music.”
“If these people are innocent, just ten minutes of Ke$ha will likely make them go insane and, even worse, probably hate America even more,” said Gynetti. “There really needs to be a cut-off point. I think if you are subject to 15 minutes of her performances and you don’t give up one single piece of information, you should be deemed innocent and released on your own accord.”
Calls to the U.S. Justice Department were not returned on Monday night.